Happy Jew Year!

Posts Thursday!

And a huge bank account.

Girl: "Any girl's a sucker for four gigs of RAM."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Switch

Do NOT sit next to her.

Woman: (on cell) "I barely made it. Thank goodness I travel with my pocket lavatory."

- O'Hare Airport

-- Submitted by yes

God is sweet and tasty?

Guy: "Look. Your conclusions about God can't be induced from what you're saying about the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Student

He...eats...stiletto's?

Woman: (on cell) "...you think so, Ron? Well, maybe I'd be nicer if you stopped staring at my shoes like they were for dinner. THINK ABOUT IT!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Rider

2,000 posts! YAAAAY!

Girl: (on cell) "My daughter keeps kicking the crap out of other girls. I mean, she's only 4. I'm concerned that once she can hold up an axe, she's going to do jail time."

- Bronzeville

-- Submitted by Alan

Eating or pooping?

Girl #1: "I need another colon cleansing."

Girl #2: "Through the mouth or through the butt?"

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Jessica

Then it would be Jewish New Week.

Guy #1: "Can you play racquetball on Monday?"

Guy #2: "No, I can't. It's the Jewish New Year."

Guy #1: "Is that every Monday?"

- Boeing Building

-- Submitted by Victor

Mad or injured?

Guy #1: "Will you get mad if I tell you a racist joke?"

Guy #2: "Will you get mad if I give you a racist punch in the throat?"

- Sears Tower

-- Submitted by Will E.

Where would he keep it?

Guy: (on cell) "Well, did you tell her that the giraffe wasn't yours?"

- Walgreens, South Loop

-- Submitted by Tia

Or you can just check it.

(Loud music playing)

Girl #1: "I think my cell phone is ringing!"

Girl #2: "How can you hear it?"

Girl #1: "It's woman's intuition!"

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Kyle

...by the smell.

Guy: "I'm wearing the same outfit I wore last night, but I'm switching shoes. The ladies will be amazed."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Con

You mean "classy?"

Girl: (on cell) "No, mom. His TV was on boxes. NO! Cardboard. I'm not sleeping with that kind of guy."

- Logan Square

-- Submitted by Melinda

Isn't Bigfoot a dude?

(Guy has large red mark on his shoulder.)

Guy #1: "What happened to your shoulder?"

Guy #2: "Must have carried something that dug into it."

Guy #1: "Or someONE must have dug into it."

Guy #2: "Unless I'm nailing Bigfoot, that's not a person's scratch mark."

- Lifetime Fitness, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Freddy

That's poor customer service.

Girl: "What are you doing this weekend?"

Guy: "I have to work."

Girl: "Can I come visit you?"

Guy: "No. My workplace kills visitors on arrival."

- Lalo's

-- Submitted by Carolina

Street free agents: You can't win with um....

(Cell phone rings)

Bears Fan #1: "HOLD ON! SHUT UP! This may be the bears calling me so that I can play defense!"

Bears Fan #2: "You're not going to get the money you deserve! Tell them you're holding out!"

- Soldier Field

-- Submitted by Dang Bears!

The ginger kid ain't laughin'

Guy #1: "He's a red head and he only has one nut."

Guy #2: "How did it happen? Was he born that way?"

Guy #1: "No, but it wasn't cancer. So it's funny."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Derek E.

Brittany hopes she means the Swedish glam band. I hope her friends aren't this stupid.

Middle-aged Woman: "Well, you know, Europe's been around for a while."

- Lincoln and Warner

-- Submitted by Brittany

It's like her own, personal lottery.

Girl: "Oh my God, I am so excited to be wearing sweats!"

- Michigan and 11th

-- Submitted by Cole

It's like her own, personal lottery.

Girl: "Oh my God! I am so excited to be wearing sweats!"

- Michigan and 11th

-- Submitted by Cole

It's just as important a question.

Guy: "Who do you think is going to win the election? I mean, who are you going to vote for?"

Girl: "I don't talk politics."

Guy: "Okay then. Which one of the candidates would you sleep with, VP's included?"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Shana

In that order.

Man: "I want to get addicted to heroin and watch girls basketball."

- DePaul Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Allison

In that order.

Man: "I want to get addicted to heroin and watch girls basketball."

- DePaul Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Allison

For the hamburger in your pocket?

Chicagoan: "Why the fuck do I have mustard in my pocket?"

- Outside of the Full Shilling, Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by Urban-Etiquette

One sided coins are worthless, anyway.

CTA-er: "There's two sides to that coin, and I like both sides."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Urban Etiquette

(Sorry about the lack of posts that past couple days. Weather issues.)

All things being equal....

Woman: "Did you place flood?"

Man: "No, but the yard was a disaster."

Woman: "Our whole basement flooded out. We lost everything down there."

Man: "I know how you feel. My flowers are toast, and I'll never get those things back."

- Metra MDN Line

-- Submitted by Jesse

Someone's been pre-partying.

Guy #1: "You want to come over for the Monday Night game?"

Guy #2: "When does it start?"

Guy #1: "Kickoff."

- DePaul University

-- Submitted by Ray

The best medication is love. And naps.

(Toddler squirming at a restaurant)

Guy: "So what medication is your daughter on again?"

Mom: "It's a little something I call hungrycrankyovertired."

- Joy's Noodles

-- Submitted by I Prefer Ritalin

Sympathy

(woman sobbing at computers)

Guy: "Excuse me?"

Woman: "Yes?"

Guy: "Are you using that computer?"

Woman: "I'm CRYING, asshole. Why can't you ask me what's wrong?"

Guy: "Because that won't help me check my email."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Shawl

True. But it's better than them eating you.

Student: "The polar bears are eating each other. It's not good."

- Depaul Lincoln Park Campus

-- Submitted by Allison

Oh Man! Did you get his autograph?

(During introduction activity on first day of class)

Girl #1: "...and one interseting thing I did this summer was was I spent 6 weeks in Japan."

Girl #2: "Did you see Yao Ming?!"

Girl #1: "Um. I think he's, uh. Isn't he Chinese?"

Professor: "Well then I guess he was on vacation!"

Girl #1: "Right. But I didn't see him."

- DePaul University

-- Submitted by Not Even A Basketball Fan

What shade of brown would that be?

Guy: (looking at his beer) "I like this color because it doesn't naturally occur in nature."

- McGee's

-- Submitted by I'll Stick to My 312

What if she was making out with another chick?

Guy: "There is absolutely no situation in which I can think it proper for me to view your junk in action. Jessica Alba could be spread eagle in front of us, and I would turn it down if it meant seeing you naked."

- Blackie's, Naperville

-- Submitted by Lloyd

What does nouveau chic smell like?

Girl #1: "I love the smell of this place."

Girl #2: "Yeah. It's like nouveau chic meets peppermint ice cream."

- Abercrombie and Fitch, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Tanya

I hope he was old.

Trainer: "You need to get on the treadmill until I die."

- Downtown Fitness Center

-- Submitted by TTT

Water and electricity don't really go hand in hand.

Guy: (on cell) "Tell the electrician to check the plumbing. (waits) That's bullcrap! Tell him a pipe is a pipe!"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Matt

That's a lethal combination.

Guy: (on cell) "No, dear. I've got the phone on my shoulder, the papers in my left hand, and I'm trying to open my string cheese with my right hand. I have to hang up because the last thing I want to be known as is the dumbass who got hit by a bus because he couldn't open his food container."

- Michigan and Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Shira

Who's pants were wetter?

Girl: (on cell) "I'm just going to say he was a sweaty sleeper because I can't accept the possiblity that he pee'd the bed."

- Bucktown

-- Submitted by I Don't Want To Know

Indeed what? I'm so confused.

Guy #1: "What it is?"

Guy #2: "What it be?"

Guy #1: "What it do?"

Guy #2: "Indeed."

- South Side

-- Submitted by Red

busy busy busy. Updates (hopefully) later.

In the meantime, check out my wonderful sponsors.

Or you could always buy a shirt!

But you get cheap moisturizer, right?

Girl: "Bath and Body Works is liking working in the Seventh Circle of Hell. 5 for 25! 5 for 25! And every night, I go home smelling like a Turkish whorehouse."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Spinner

Who needs money when you're sad?

Girl: (on cell) "I'm just not going into work anymore whenever I'm upset or unhappy in life. It just complicates things."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Cleo

If Oprah said AIDS was good, all the yentes would go get it.

Inspired Girl: "It's called 'The Secret.' It's the best book ever. It's like, whatever you put out into the world and focus on, you get back. It's supposed to help you get anything you want out of life!"

Friend: "I don't know if believe that."

Inspired Girl: "But Oprah talked about it on her show!"

Friend: (relieved) "Oooooh. That's awesome!!"

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Kat

Appetizing.

Guy: (on cell) "So I had all this leftover basil after making regular pesto and decided to make creative pesto. So I added dried bananas chips, walnuts, nutmeg....No, it was crap. It looked like penguin poo...after the penguin ate a baby that ate banana chips, walnuts, nutmeg."

- Webster and Halsted

-- Submitted by Claire

New girl as in "18 year old" I hope.

Guy: "It's so awesome coming back to school. I love that new girl smell."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Rowdy

Time for the pick and flick.

Student: "I've had this booger in my nose for 45 minutes but haven't had a tissue. It's bugging me!"

- University Center Elevator

-- Submitted by Columbia Student

So shouldn't running be WAY easier with three legs?

Guy: "My knees are done. I need a break"

Girl: "Well then let's walk."

Guy: "No. I need to stop."

Girl: "Come on."

Guy: "No. Forget it. When I'm done, I'm getting a triple knee replacement."

- Nike Human Race

-- Submitted by Trishelle

Ben Franklin said it first, right?

Guy: (on cell) "...just stick with the motto, bro. Pianos rock. Urinals stink. Get to it, dude!"

- North Side

-- SUbmitted by Devil

It's not like you're thirty....yet.

Drunk Girl #1: "What a dick! He just wished me a happy 29th birthday!"

Drunk Girl #2: "But you just turned 29."

Drunk Girl #1: "He didn't have to remind me!"

- Southport

-- Submitted by M.J.

That's the one restaurant I don't want to be at.

Mother: (to younger children) "I would just like to go to ONE restaurant without you LIFTING UP MOMMY'S SKIRT!"

- Mia Francesca

-- Submitted by Bmannes

What could it be....what could it be....

Woman: "I don't know what it is, but all my ex-boyfriends end up at a strip club within a week of breaking up."

- Lawrence Beach

-- Submitted by Elizabeth

Good luck in the future, kid.

Mom: "There, take that seat there."

Son: "Nooo."

Mom: "Why? Just sit."

Son: "I don't like to sit next to people."

- 49 Bus

-- Submitted by Leah