You're using them on your own mom?

Guy #1: "Yea, I dig her, but she's so not my type."

Guy#2: "What, this one fights back?"

Guy #1: "Yea, I got tired of your mom just laying there."

Guy #2: "Me too, that's why I bought the nip clamps."

- Lawrence Stop

-- Submitted by Ben

Better than burns.

Kid: "Our Aunt. You know the thing that borns your cousin?"

- Boystown iHop

-- Submitted by Sarah

Someone wasn't a good neighbor

Guy: "What do you mean you never watched Mr. Roger's Neighborhood?"
Girl: "Nope never did."
Guy: "Oh my God that's insane! What are you a communist?"
Girl: "No! I grew up watchin MTV not Mr. Roger whatever the fuck."

- Bowman's

-- Submitted by North Center Snoop

Goal 2: Be a self serving bitch.

Woman: "My goal is to travel the world, though, so I don't give a shit."

- Wacker and Michigan

-- Submitted by Katie

(No posts Monday due to Yom Kippur. Back Tuesday.)

Someone check his eyebrows.

Guy: "Hair color? Just put bald! It's never coming back!"

- Chicago Central DMV

-- Submitted byAshley B.

And the pigs are concerned, too.

Girl: "Speaking of which, we've been meaning to talk about you about your bacon consumption. We're worried about your arteries. "

- Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Dwade

What's he moving down there? WHAT?!?!

Woman: "Now, girlfriend. If you feel it happening, and he starts moving it toward your butt, you best stop that, 'cause that ain't gonna go down. It ain't happenin'."

- Red Line at Fullerton

--Submitted by Classy C

He must work for Sprint.

Guy #1: "I've lost four phones in five months."

Guy #2: "Is your ass eating your phones or something?"

Guy #3: "'Boop.' My ass just swallowed your phone."

- Roscoe's Bar, Boystown

-- Submitted by CJ

No stalking = No need for a babysitter

Girl: "So the only reason I stalk you on weekends is cause I miss you and I want to hang out with you. Plus, I need someone to take care of my baby."

- Brown/Purple Line Chicago

-- Submitted by Rohit

A jazz club opened in Michigan once. It was summarily destoryed 10 minutes later. By women.

Guy: "I don't know what to do with this girl tonight."

Girl: "Go to the Chicago Jazz Festival!"

Guy: "She is from Michigan. Michigan girls don't like jazz music."

- Canal & Adams

-- Submitted by Melissa

Just draw them on the old fashioned way!

Woman: (on cell) "They grow really, really quickly don't worry. You'll have your eyebrow back in a few weeks, I promise"

- Panera Bread, Evanston

-- Submitted by Hof-Brau

Just draw them on the old fashioned way!

Woman: (on cell) "They grow really, really quickly don't worry. You'll have your eyebrow back in a few weeks, I promise"

- Panera Bread, Evanston

-- Submitted by Hof-Brau

He's probably right.

Lady: "So I sat at a stop sign for two minutes waiting for it to turn green. My son turned to me and said, 'Mom you have to stop smoking that pot.'"

- Downtown @ a wedding

-- Submitted by Brian

The Berensteins are going to be angry by this revelation.

Guy: "It's a little known fact, in fact i may be the only one to know, but, if you translate The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe to German and then back to English again, you get the entire Berenstein Bears story."

- Foster and Ashland

-- Submitted by Justin

Mr. Rand or Mr. McNally I presume?

Guy: (on cell walking in a large crowd after U2 concert) "You should come meet me, I'm at the corner of the Loop and Buckingham fountain. No, right where the Loop and Buckingham fountain are. Well do you see the Essex Inn sign? I'm right in front of that. Do you see the Willis Tower? Ok, me too! Just keep walking toward the Willis Tower and I'm sure we'll meet up."

- Museum Campus

-- Submitted by Paul

And we're back...

Customer: "Yeah, it's broken. I'm not going to lie, it was on purpose. I was really drunk and really angry. "

- AT&T Store, Chicago Avenue

Submitted by Cristopher

Yes, OIC has lacked updates for a month. I needed a break and was running low on quality submissions. The break is over, I have a bunch of submissions stored up, and the site is going back to its daily updates.

If you want to help out, tell your friends, send people here through twitter and facebook, and, if interested, visit a sponsor or two.

We're going to get crackin' shortly.