This time??

Ripped Guy: "Karaoke was so bad, I needed to make out with a fat chick. I wasn't even disgusted with myself this time."

- Lifetime Fitness, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Justin

(I'll be unavailable until Monday; updates Tuesday)

For the weird Chippendale's Dancer costume??

Man: "Yeah. All you need are purple leather pants and a bowtie. Who knew?"

- Loop quick service restaurant

-- Submitted by Dan

She should really learn to express herself

Angry Lady: (on cell) "I KNOW it's the last day for early voting, because you already emailed me. Twice. And you IMed me from work at least once a day. And you tell me every time we get together. It's getting to the point where I'm going to be not-voting as a protest against these constant reminders. Stop it, really. I know my civic duty and I'm going to do my civic duty, I'm proud that I can vote. And I know that if I don't vote, we'll get Bush 2.1 and I am too black, too Jewish, and too fucking gay to want him or Soccer Mom Pornstar trying to run my life. Please let it go. Jesus.''

- California and Devon

-- Submitted by Right On, Sister

Stop licking the walls

Girl: (on cell) " Stop using my deodorant as air freshener! The whole place tastes gross!"

-Red Line

-- Submitted by Merril

This explains the current crisis

Broker: "You can learn alot from watching CNBC and listening to Jim Krammer ."

- Michigan Ave Brokerage House

-- Submitted by AJ

Count me in

Guy: ''Hey, let me tell you something: It's not a real party if it doesn't have Ditka in a Speedo."

-Walgreen's, Downtown

-- Submitted by Amber

And accepts it. Because it won't happen.

Guy: (on cell) "If I meet an asian midget that wants to sleep with me, it's not considered cheating. My wife knows the rule."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Jerry

Ingrate.

Early Trick-or-Treater: (given microwave popcorn) "Oh. So we're out of candy now?"

- Merz Apothecary, Lincoln Square

-- Submitted by Lorna

Not exactly.

Guy: "You know what they say. A lot of people, a lot of problems. A few people, a lot more problems."

- 333 W. Wacker

-- Submitted by Kyle

Mace.

Drunk Guy: "What'll it take to make you happy?"

Girl: "Same thing it'll take to make you go away."

- Dugan's

-- Submitted by Rach

Yes. It is.

Guy: "I called her when I was leaving my house, she said she was getting ready. I called her from my car, she said she just finished showering. I called her from 5 minutes from her house, she said everything was good. I get to her place and call her and she told me she wasn't going. Ain't that some shit?"

- Evanston

-- Submitted by KT

Drooling upside-down?

Girl: (on cell) "How do you spit on your own forehead?"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Victor

And then complain?

Girl: (on cell) "...And that's what kills me. Everytime she wants to talk she doesn't say anything and she gets drunk. And then she says she didn't say anything because she was drunk. Well where else are we supposed to talk, my place? Right. Her place. That makes sense. Where would we drink?"

- O'hare

-- Submitted by Lona

That's not smart.

Guy #1: "You know Spanish, right?"

Guy #2: "Yup."

Guy #1: "So if I say something in Spanish, you'd understand me?"

Guy #2: "Probably."

Guy #1: (speaks Spanish for a few seconds) "So what did I say?"

Guy #2: "Something about you getting your teeth broken in."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jam

Than they'd be spirits, not spiritual.

Guy #1: "It's spiritual. It's a spiritual thing. You need to show them that. The only way to give them that deep hunger, that need for something to fill their belly, is to show them the way. You have to have an appearance."

Guy #2: "Or don't let them eat. Ever."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Halo

Mine would, too

Dude #1: "Time to go home, slap the dog, and kiss the wife. Or something like that.''

Dude #2: "Man. Your wife would beat your ass and then have the dog bent it, too."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Mario

Awwwww....but the bottle....awwww.

Girl #1: (on cell) "I'm drinking Orangina."*pause* "I would, but I'm in public."

- Nordstroms, Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Victoria

A man with values...

Guy #1: "The sound is the best part! I'll never go to California, I can't drive my Mustang there."

Guy #2: "It's going to start looking like California around here in a few weeks."

Guy #1: [Nodding] "Well, they'll never take my Mustang. "

- Panera, Glenview

-- Submitted byDan

I wasn't there. Woo Hoo!

Girl: "Thanks for bringing me. It's like a who's who of jerks in here."

- DePaul House Party

-- Submitted by Vandoo

It could be.

Guy: (on cell) "Trust me: Being fat definitely is NOT amazing."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Jakey

I don't think they're friends.

Woman #1: "How old are they?"

Woman #2: "Old enough for you to shut up."

- Doctor's Office, North Side

-- Submitted by Paula

Mom is a bit repressed.

Little girl: "I don't understand why they make fancy bras, mom."

Mom: "They just do, now be quiet."

Little Girl: (touching lace panties) "But I don't get it. Is this what Daddy likes you to wear?"

Mom: "MOLLY! STOP TALKING!"

- Victoria's Secret, Michigan Ave

-- Submitted by April

She's a brunette. And the moose would be pissed.

Bar Guy #1: "You know. The craziest thing that could happen would be McCain gets elected, he dies, and then Palin becomes president just as some crazy national disaster hits. She has to mediate among terrorists, travel, and meet with all these world leaders, but she manages to diffuse the tensions by suggesting everyone comes to Alaska for a moose hunt or something. The good thing ends in a wave of good feeling and world wide accord. Crazy, eh?"

Bar Guy #2: "I think that's called 'Legally Blonde 3.'"

- Johnny O'Hagans

-- Submitted by Erica

In some cases, that's both.

Guy: "You ain't talkin' English! You talkin' stupid!"

- Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by ILC

You'll know.

Girl #1: "I'm going for a bike ride."

Girl #2: "It's cold out. I'm just gonna lift."

Girl #1: "But who's going to tell me when a tree is right in front of me?"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Eclair

Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner.

Guy: "Can I get you a drink?"

Girl: "Sure. Get me a cyanide on the rocks, and you can drink it."

Guy: "But that's buying myself a drink."

- Funky Buddha

-- Submitted by Baldo

Someone's grumpy.

Guy: (on cell) "If I go in to work today and don't kill anyone, I'll be shocked."

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Yaz

At least she's honest about her emotional problems.

Girl #1: "You should get that dress."

Girl #2: "I don't know if it'll fit."

Girl #1: "Try it on."

Girl #2: "No way. I'd rather cry when I get home and then return it later."

- Lord and Taylor, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Xena

She really, really regrets it.

Guy #1: "I can't believe you slept with Loryn."

Guy #2: "She can't believe it either."

Guy #1: "She's at home all fetal, isn't she?"

Guy #2: "She's probably gone zygote."

- Northwestern Campus

-- Submitted by Paul E.

They're screwed.

Guy: (on cell) "I'm going to need a backup of the backup. Well, what about the other backup? Damn it."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Matt

He need much bigger pants for a bed.

Girl: "Oh my god! Is that the guy that stole our bed?"

Guy: "Look at how tight those pants are! He can't steal anything."

- Diversey and Southport

-- Submitted by Sam

Better than Wesley Snipes style.

Guy: (on cell) "You're in too deep! Like, Omar Epps style!"

- Diversey

-- Submitted by GK

So he needs an I.V.

Guy: "New Rule: Everytime you're not drinking, you have to take a drink."

- Arlington Heights

-- Submitted by Ropi

Someone is getting commission.

Guy: "You want a sandwich?"

Girl: "Where you going?"

Guy: "Subway."

Girl: "Which one?"

Guy: "The one around the corner."

Girl: "It better be the one where Javy is at. If it's not and you go to the other one, then you're a dead man."

- LaSalle Office

-- Submitted by Indigo

You'd get pretty hungry...until you died.

Guy #1: "...and I'm supposed to fast for 24 hours. That'll help me lose a couple extra."

Guy #2: "If you want to lose more weight, you'll fast for a million hours."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Nosey

That usually doesn't work.

Girl: (on cell) "...and the instructor was super creepy. I think he was trying to prove that he wasn't gay by being super gay. It was pretty counter productive."

- Michigan and 9th

-- Submitted by Red

That's definitive.

Girl #1: "You going to work out today?"

Girl #2: "Yes."

Girl #1: "When?"

Girl #2: "Right after I don't work out."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Victor

No posts tomorrow. Yom Kippur.

Guy code says you shouldn't look.

Guy: (on cell) "Hey, hon. Hold on. The electricians are bringing their huge pipes into the locker room."

- West Side Fitness Center

-- Submitted by Trey

A little harsh.

Guy #1: "You ready for hockey season?"

Guy #2: "Almost as ready as I am for sulphuric acid in my eye season."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carla

Someone get some gauze and super glue!

Lady: "Oh. My. God. Deb, I'm hemorrhaging like nobody's business."

- Oak Brook Office

-- Submitted by Spinner

Better than a live one, eh?

Girl: "Who ate a dead skunk?"

- Washington Library bathroom

-- Submitted by Telayah

The economy effects everything. Even your junk.

Guy #1: "Do you think they are going to lay people off?"

Guy #2: "Of course they are. It's a necessity."

Guy #1: "You think they're going to do a severance package?"

Guy #2: "You might have your package severed, but that's about all."

- Downtown Office

-- Submitted by Chuck

You're just going to confuse Batman.

Guy #1: "What time is dinner?"

Guy #2: "Later in the evening."

Guy #1: "But what time?"

Guy #2: "I don't know. I'll know more in a couple days."

Guy #1: "Well then what time should I be there?"

Guy #2: "We'll just turn on the damn bat signal, okay?"

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Karl

Someone's talking to Congress.

Man: (on cell) "Don't call me because you're having a mortgage meltdown because you're a moronic idiot."

- Monroe Harbor

-- Submitted by Melissa

Too avoid further, intelligent conversation.

Goth Guy: "...yeah, but an anarchist is just totally 'no authority.' I am just the opposite of whatever religion is mainstream."

Goth Girl: "Yeah."

Goth Guy: "Like in America it's Christianity, so what's the opposite of that? Satan."

Goth Girl: "Yeah."

Goth Guy: "Yeah."

Goth Girl: "Yeah. Me too. But most of the time I just tell people I'm agnostic."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Patrick

So can you sell your feet on ebay, then?

Guy: "Why would anyone pay 800 dollars for shoes?"

Girl: "They're Jimmy Choo's!"

Guy: "They're eight hundred freaking dollars!!! My feet aren't worth that much. The patent leather on them shouldn't cost any more!"

Girl: "They inherently make your feet's value more than they're actually worth."

- Nordstrom's, Downtown

-- Submitted by Jan

February 7th

Guy: "When did 'whore' become the new 'hot?'"

- Macy's, Skokie

-- Submitted by Klair

Except it's trademarked.

Bus Goer: "Snap, crackle, pop! Snap, crackle, pop! HA! Those Rice Krispies got nothin' on us. We the ones goin' snap, crackle, pop!"

- #4 Cottage Grove Bus

-- Submitted by Diana

What if it's in hot dog buns?

Guy: (on phone) "You had me until you said 'tuna.' You can't eat tuna while you're watching baseball."

- Oak Brook cubicle maze

-- Submitted by Spinner

Mean Girls was definitely awful.

Girl: (on cell) "We were all leaving class just crying. It was so Mean Girls. It was awful."

- Southport

-- Submitted by Haynes

Can one pony play cornerback?

Drunk Guy: "These guys don't deserve Metallica! They deserve My Little Pony!"

- Soldier Field

-- Submitted by Mg