Breach of contract

Lady 1: "You think I can sue the lady that just sold me these losers (scratch tickets)?"

Lady 2: "Why?"

Lady 1: "Cause I told her I wanted three $1 winning scratch tickets and I didn't win anything."

- Irving Park and Broadway

-- Submitted by K.R.

Time is on your side

Girl to woman at counter: "The Powerade says July '04. Does that mean it expired?"

Woman: "Uh. It's not July yet."

- Loyola Water Tower Campus

-- Submitted by B

When "no" just doesn't work

Visitor: "Thanks for letting me stay with you. I think I'm going to move up to Chicago soon. I love it here."

"Close" Friend: "No problem. It was cool seeing you."

Visitor: "Do you think you could hook me up with some job contacts when I get here? You seem to know a ton of people and I could totally use your help!"

"Close" Friend: "You barely talk to me for two years after grad school. You only IM or call me when you need something. My wife and I let you stay with us when you come to town. You mess up my house. Sleep til noon. Want to go out during rush hour. Want me to stay up til midnight when I have to work in the morning. Don't clean up after yourself and you're just generally miserable. Why the hell would I help you anymore than I have?"

Visitor: "It was just a question. Jesus."

- Midway Airport

-- Submitted by Nosey Smurf

It's a valid fear

Bulky Guy: "We were talking about people's fears in psych today. It's amazing what some people are afraid of."

Buddy: "Yeah? Like what?"

Bulky Guy: "Some people are afraid of, like, asparagus. How do you fear a vegetable?"

Buddy: "Maybe they were attacked on an asparagus farm as a kid?"

- DePaul Campus

-- Submitted by Farmer Joe

At least you aren't Jenny from 867-5309

Guy: "So how's the new boy toy workin out?"

Girl: "We're cool. We hang out a bunch and things are moving steadily. I'm not looking to rush anything."

Guy: "That's good. What's his name, anyway?"

Girl: "Jesse."

Guy: (singing) "So what's it like to be JESSE'S GIIIIIRL?"

Girl: "Did you wake up retarded?"

- Loyola Campus

-- Submitted by Craisin

Co-dependant much?

Girl: "I can't eat. I can't sleep. It's like he's gotten into my lungs. I can't even breathe anymore."

Friend: "Is it that big of a deal? You've only been going out for a short while."

Girl: "I know. But I really feel it this time. It's like magic. Like he's my knight in shining armor, saving me from this dreary place I call life. Not like those other times. Those were just jokes. I was kidding about them. This guy is FOR REAL.

Friend: "I'm going to go buy chocolate ice cream. This way, when he ends it because you scared him off, you can come straight over."

- Wacker Drive

-- Submitted by Grace

Can you hear me now?

Lady on Cell: "Can you hear me? (pause) Can you hear me now? (pause) Can you hear me now? (pause) What about now?"

Metra Passenger: "Ma'am, what if you moved around a little bit?"

Lady on Cell: "I'M IN A MOVING TRAIN, ASSHOLE! HOW MUCH MORE CAN I MOVE? IT'S PROBABLY HIS DAMN PHONE!"

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Rascal

It's all in the eye of the beholder

(Two friends walking together)

Homeless Lady: (yelling at one girl passing by) "YOU BLACK BITCH!"

Asian Girl: "She just called me black, I'm Asian."

Dumb Blonde Girl: "Wait. You're Asian?"

- Fullerton El Stop

-- Submitted by Leah

PMS?

Woman on cell phone: "You tell that son-of-a-bitch if he ever calls me at 5:10 in the morning again, I'll tie him to my car and drag his ass across the entire city of Chicago. (pause) Love you too, baby. Bye."

- Loop

-- Submitted by Lauren

Hallelujah!

Homeless Guy: "I AM JESUS!"

Passerby: "You are not! How dare you!?"

Homeless Guy: "I AM Jesus! I will be praised. You will thank me for the plentiful bounty that you have received!"

Passerby: "STOP USING THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN!"

Homeless Guy: "Do not doubt the lord, Jesus Christ, for he is looking for change to get back to heaven!"

- Halsted and Racine

-- Submitted by Luke

I'd love to be one of them!

Downer girl: "Where are you living?"

Enthused Girl: "With four other girls in Wrigleyville. It's right between the two El tracks so it's really cheap."

Downer: "That sucks. It must be really loud."

Enthused: "No, we were in there when the train went by and you could barely... Well, it wasn't that b... Well, it's cheap, so that's good. And we have new windows."

Downer: "But how many bedrooms?"

Enthused: "Four. Two people are going to share."

Downer: "Hate to be one of them."

- Loyola Water Tower Campus

-- Submitted by B

You really should plan for ordinary days.

Employee: "I woke up to my wife throwing up. I put her back to bed, took the baby out of bed, gave her breakfast, made my lunch, got the baby ready, checked on my wife, and made sure she was gonna be okay. I get the baby to daycare and hit the highway. There was an accident on Caldwell, Cicero, and Elston. Everyone had to freaking look around and make sure they didn't know who drove the car. I finally pass the junction and I fly down the highway. From Old Orchard to the junction took my 45 minutes and from the Junction to here took me about 15. It was just a hellacious morning."

Boss: "You still shouldn't have been late. You need to plan for these sorts of events."

- Downtown Office

-- Submitted by Crayon

Sometimes the crazy aren't so crazy

Rambling Man: "... Boys can't get out [drop out] of high school if they want to no more. Now we can't get out of Iran. Black people being held down everywhere. War goin' on and no one knows about it..."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by B

He answered that, didn't he?

(Construction worker with an unlit cigarette in his mouth, working at a church)

Priest: "I'm sorry, sir. This is the third time I've told you not to smoke in the church."

Construction worker: "And this will be the third time I told you I'm not smoking. The thing ain't lit."

Priest: "You wouldn't have a cigarette in your mouth if you didn't intend to smoke it."

Construction worker: "Yeah? You have an asshole, but you don't sit there shtting all day, do you?"

(Note from submitter: Construction worker was removed from the job. Go figure.)

- Church in the South Suburbs

-- Submitted by Jeff M.

Why worry when someone else can fix it?

Irresponsibly Sexually Active College Girl: (mumbles something)

ISACG's Friend: "Man, this is like the 6th time I've had to take you to Unplanned Parenthood!"

Irresponsibly Sexually Active College Girl: "It's called Planned Parenthood, moron."

- Loyola Campus

-- Submitted by B.C. is the way to go

Nothing says class like calling people "ho"

Ghetto chick: "Uh uh. That ho ain't got no class!"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by R. Smith

Everyone can dream

Construction Worker: "Those actors are getting paid millions of dollars for doing work for a couple months a year. Sometimes, I wish I could get paid that much money just to act."

Older Construction Worker: "I wish I could be a ninja."

- Sears Tower

-- Submitted by V.A.

I thought 'Cleveland rocked'

In-tune Guy: "Did you see the Arbitron ratings? They were crazy. Stern's time slot went froma 4.0 share to a .5 or something. That guy Rover must be brutal!"

Buddy: "I never heard of him. You can't just bring in some dude from Cleveland and expect him to win over a city like Chicago."

In-tune Guy: "He's from Cleveland? The only thing he has in common with people from Chicago is that both are city names start with a C."

Buddy: "And I bet you half of the people there couldn't even tell you that much. Cleveland sucks."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Nora G.

Dirty minds think alike

College Student: "STACY! STACY COME BACK HERE! I NEED YOU TO PUT SOMETHING IN YOUR MOUTH TO TASTE!"

Homeless Guy: "Hell yeah. When she done with you, she can taste mine too."

- Outside of Columbia College

-- Submitted by H.H.

Puppies, puppies everywhere but not a drop to drink

Inquisitive Mind: "...but they're eating puppies. Cute, innocent little puppies. That's pretty barbaric."

Voice of Reason: "You can't really say that. Some people think that our eating innocent cows and chickens is just as barbaric."

Inquisitive Mind: "I guess. But do you think they drink the blood, too?"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Elaine