Taurus's need extra attention.

Girl: "Leo's need their ego's stroked to be successful. I consider myself a big time stroker."

- Northbrook

-- Submitted by Cleana

There just has to be another way...for her to shuck responsibility

Sales Associate: "Your balance on your credit card is over $1,000. Your available credit is...sorry. Zero."

Customer: "So, I CAN'T use it?"

Friend: "How can she put more money on it?"

Sales Associate: "By paying her bill."

- Victoria's Secret

-- Submitted by Maria Clara

Well, it is called public transit.

Rowdy El Passenger: "This shit is public as hell!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Giles

Call me. Immediately.

Girl #1: "...I'm tired of faking all the time."

Girl #2: "It's sad when you have to fake an orgasm while masturbating."

- Jackson Subway Station

-- Submitted by AK

Went to a party, yadda, yadda, yadda, someone crushed my balls.

Girl: "You going to Janey's on Saturday?"

Guy: "Nah. Last time I was there, I left with testicular torsion. I'm not risking that again."

- Highland Park

-- Submitted by Yowch!

It's their M.O.

Guy #1: "...and all I'm saying is that the Bears better get somebody in free agency."

Guy #2: "They'll get somebody. It's just a matter if that person is going to be a backup or a waste of money."

Guy #1: "Hopefully both."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Clark

That's not a number.

Girl: (on cell) "On a scale of 1 to 10, you're as sharp as a marble!"

- Metra Station, Glenview

-- Submitted by Ally

At least he has goals.

Bum: "I know times are tough, but I need help. The other guys can afford markers and cardboard whileI'm still only using a cup. Help me get ahead, folks. Help me beat the homeless rat race."

- Randolph and Clark

-- Submitted by Applet

I like her plan.

Girl: "My goal is to marry a 25 year old guy by the time I'm 45."

Guy: "And if it doesn't happen by 45?"

Girl: "I'll start 5 year increments. 50/30. 55/35. 60/40. And I'll buy huge cans."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Pico

Lawyer, right?

Guy (on cell) "It's also plausible that my clothes were burned without harming me physically. Right, but plausible and believable aren't the same."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Rayray

Hello, porn situation!

Woman: "I mean, I love him, but he's a weirdo. When we first moved in, our neighbor came over with chocolate chip cookies. He wasn't wearing any pants so he wrapped a blanket around himself and went to the door. I come home and find the woman next door standing in my house with cookies while my husband isn't wearing any pants. Talk about embarrassing."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Maria

He needs to calm hisself down

Guy: (yelling on cell) "'His-self' is not a fucking word, you piece of smarm!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Mizzy

Because women love the famished ones.

Male Hipster: "I weigh like eleven pounds more than you do and that's terrible because you weigh like 100."

- Ukranian Village

- Submitted by Sandy

And dogs smell worse.

Man: "I can't believe it is going to snow again."



Woman: "Well, that is better then rain."



Man: "Really? Why?"



Woman: "Well, with snow you get wet but with rain you get, like, really wet."



- Metra SW Service



-- Submitted by 10withamop

Of course of course not.

Girl: (on cell) "How is it his fault, Jen? You cheated on him, though. Right,but you were still engaged. So break it off and then sleep with him. Do you ever get the impression that most of your problems stem from your cowardice and stupidity? Of course not."

- Ukranian Village

-- Submitted by Roe

Flavor improvement?

Guy: "Running your fingers under the sink after you take a dump is NOT washing your hands. You might as well rub your junk and ass all over the food. Nasty bastard."

- Hooters, Downtown

-- Submitted by Noah

I'll tell her.

Woman: (on cell) "Well, then, you kindly tell her that her hot little ass is no longer allowed at our house."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Wicka

At least her heart is in the right place.

Girl #1: "So I've decided what I want to do with my life."

Girl #2: "Yea?"

Girl #1: "I'm going to go back to school, get my Masters and become a Guidance Counselor."

Girl #2: "Cool. So you want to help people?"

Girl #1: "No way. My dad's a guidance counselor and he doesn't do anything at work."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Beth

Cooties: It's an epidemic

Guy: "This is not just affecting the state! If it starts affecting us nationally, it'll affect the entire United States!"

- Jackson & Jefferson

-- Submitted by mig

Yeah. Because he'd fly to the Dominican without a "contribution."

Guy #1: "...and then they'll find out who the cousin is. Then he's in trouble."

Guy #2: "Not to sound too 'conspiracy theorist,' but do you think Blagojevich is involved? Think about it. 'Cousin.' 'A-Rod.' 'Rod Blagojevich.' Sounds a little to cozy for me."

Guy #1: "You stay up at night thinking about these things, don't you?"

- Chase Building

-- Submitted by Brad

What's a doctor trained for anyway? Right?

Woman: "We're just trying to cut and trim, trim and cut. Hell, if I can give my family free haircuts, minor surgeries couldn't be too bad."

- State of Illinois building

-- Submitted by Bloggo

There's gotta be one.

Guy: (on cell) "There is zero reason for your shirt to smell like racoon crap. Absolutely none."

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Stretch

Should have used protection.

Guy #1: "My legs are killing me."

Guy #2: "It's AIDS."

Guy #1: "So how do you explain my back?"

Guy #2: "Cancer."

Guy #1: "Great. Cancer and AIDS! Unbelievable!"

Guy #2: "Yeah. Tumors can be real sluts."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Trixasaurus Rex

Sign me up for pilhardcorelates!

Guy: "...and she's still doing pilates, right?"



Girl: "Yeah, but I told her to stop wearing those shorty shorts. I might see things she doesn't want me seeing."



Guy: "Why the hell would you think that?! I'm calling her right now and telling her that she needs to wear those shorts and bring some liquor to pilates. I'm going to put the hardcore back in pilates training!"



Girl: "Yes. Because every pilates session is moments from becoming a lesbian orgy."



- West Loop



-- Submitted by Allison

Good question.

Girl: "I just got 'touche'd' putting myself down. How the hell does that work?"

- Uptown

-- Submitted by Lisate

Which girl is the liar.....

Woman #1: "Tess? Oh my word! It IS you! And you had the baby!"

Woman #2: "It's so great to see you! My baby girl is now 3 months old!"

Woman #1: "How's the weight loss going?"

Woman #2: "I'm at my pre-pregnancy weight now. Why?"

Woman #1: "Because you look super awesome, that's why!"

- LA Fitness, Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Dedom

Except for the ladies.

Dressing Room Attendant: "The men's sizes run small. They're European sizes."

Guy: "Europeans need to stop wearing their pants so fucking tight."

- H&M on State

-- Submitted by Crystal

Love and stupidity all rolled up into one.

Annoying Indie Kid: "I'll piss your name in the snow on Valentine's Day."

Girl: "Amanda has a lot of letters."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Stoj and Shea

But most people can hear.

Girl: "I wondered if he heard me telling Susie about how cute he was. Then I remembered: he was in a different room, and it's only vampires who can read minds."

- Loop office building

-- Submitted by another Twilight fan

Better than watching paint dry....or not.

Guy #1: "What do you want to do this weekend?"

Guy #2: "I'm going to watch a lot of fishing. Interested?"

Guy #1: "I would be if I wasn't busy slitting my wrists instead. But watching fishing is right after that on my 'to-do' list."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Glob Rob

Movies taught me that houses travel by tornado

Guy: "Gas bill? What you paying a gas bill for?"

Girl: "People pay gas bills."

Guy: "Where you driving your house to? Your house ain't driving nowhere, what you got a gas bill for?"

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by really?

More people deserve this.

Girl: "So why did he get kicked out?"

Guy: "He was being a jackass; so they pulled the no jackass clause out of his contract."

Girl (sings): "Yay! No more jackass!"

- UIC

-- Submitted by SH

More people deserve this.

Girl: "So why did he get kicked out?"

Guy: "He was being a jackass; so they pulled the no jackass clause out of his contract."

Girl (sings): "Yay! No more jackass!"

- UIC

-- Submitted by SH

Wonder how we got into this mess...

Girl: "Do youthink I should by a house?"

Guy: "You're a student with no income. How would you pull that off?"

Girl: "But mortgage rates are awesome right now!''

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Brobama

That's what she said, anybody?

Guy: "Next person to quote that stupid ass 'My New Haircut' video gets a new face cut with my fists. Why can't you enjoy something without trampling it to death?"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Clyde

Who'd have suffered more?

Drunk: "If my next beer doesn't taste like a Miller Lite, I'm going to go ape shit."

Bartender: "You've been ordering Heineken's the entire night."

Drunk: "Why would you let me do that? They should take your bartendering paper and crap on it. We'd be even."

- McFaddens

-- Submitted by Terryn

Except for him.

Girl #1: "He's so cute."

Girl #2: "You would totally marry him. And have his kids."

Girl #1: "And he'd have no clue. It would be perfect."

- New Trier

-- Submitted by B.K.

Good man

Guy: "I never extend my right hand because it's my ass-scrubbin' hand. People deal."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Noah

You'd think one would keep the other busy.

Guy: (on cell) "Getting caught by your parents sucks. Getting caught by your kids sucks worse. Getting caught by your parents AND your kids within twenty minutes not only super sucks, but I'm not getting laid again for weeks!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Angelique

They prefer "mature."

Guy #1: "...and she got all pissed that I asked her age. Are women that insecure?"

Guy #2 "No. They're just all way too old."

- Rednofive

-- Submitted by Kirk

Harsh.

Tired stage manager: "I used to wish I could dance.... Now I wish you could!"

-Local Theatre rehearsal

-- Submitted by Mike

Music is vital.

Student: "We made this movie in the sandwich shop where my boyfriend works. There’s gonna be some music that comes in and out, ignore that. My boyfriend’s coworker threw a temper tantrum cause he said he couldn’t make sandwiches without music on."

- Web Video Class, Northwestern University

--Submittec by Arianna

Close.

Girl: "When's New Year's Eve?"

Guy: "December 30th."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Paige

Mutually Exclusive

Bum: "I may be an ugly man, but I'm a GOOD man!"

- Michigan and Washington

-- Submitted by Amanda

Who isn't?

Guy #1: "How's your mom doing?"

Guy #2: "Fine. She's still trying to figure out an inexpensive way to get the car out of the pool, though."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Yippee

Step 13: Score.

Guy: (on cell) "Everyone's meeting fine-ass people in AA meetings these days."

- #11 Bus

-- Submitted by grahamisded

Good call

Guy: (on cell) "Fuck that. I'm not gonna use my college education to go to grad school. What the hell would I do with that?"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by T

Women: Always fooling themselves.

Girl: (on cell) "That makes it sound so serious. I like to think of it as I'm so good that he came without me having to touch him."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Ava

Poop museum.

Woman #1: "Why can't you just go out with him?"

Woman #2: ''Because I like the arts and he likes taking the world's longest craps until I fall asleep. I haven't found a way to combine the two yet."

- East Bank Club

-- Submitted by Classy

A bit of a drawl.

Guy: (on cell) "She kept telling me she was hungry, but I couldn't make out what she wanted. I finally figured out that she was saying broccoli. No, it sounded like brachachachachaaaaaah. Like she was hocking a loog, but in word form."

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Erica

He's just staying classy.

Guy: (on cell) "I couldn't believe he has no hesitation on the 'f-word,' but he can't say shit. Fuckin' poo-head? Really?"

- Weathermark Tavern

-- Submitted by Doe

Please say Civil War.

Girl: (on cell) "I have a history quiz to study for and I need you to tell me if the Articles of the Confederation came before the Declaration of Independence. Wait, what war?"

- Loyola Library

-- Submitted by apeface

BUSTED!

Train Engineer (Over loud speaker): "Just so you know, that wasn't smart what you did sir..."

- North and Clybourn Red Line Stop

-- Submitted The Girl W/ Kaleidoscope Eyes

Energy boost!

(Couple at snowcovered car)

Woman: "You can get it out if you put a little effort into it."

Man: "No way. Its covered! We won't be able to get it out!"

Woman: "Are you going to get a shovel?"

Man: "No. I'm going to get a fucking bag of candy!"

-Grace & Bell

-- Submitted byNorth Center Snoop

Energy boost!

(Couple at snowcovered car)

Woman: "You can get it out if you put a little effort into it."

Man: "No way. Its covered! We won't be able to get it out!"

Woman: "Are you going to get a shovel?"

Man: "No. I'm going to get a fucking bag of candy!"

- Grace & Bell

-- Submitted by North Center Snoop

College girl. Really?

Guy: "...she's just so damn flighty."

Girl: "What is that supposed to mean."

Guy: "What? Flighty? It means you're always up and down. She can never keep plans solid."

Girl: "Oh. I thought she was a flight attendant or something."

- Loyola, Water Tower

-- Submitted by gigi

Usually, it's more.

Guy: (on cell) "So he got promoted? And I care why? Oh. Well, unless one of his perks is 'less asshole,' I don't give a damn."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Corey

Must've missed that page.

El Passenger: "People don't make babies. God makes babies. And babies are just punishment for not remaining a virgin. a Punishment! I mean the Bible, the BIBLE, warns against marriage!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Ariel

Scientists say: Too late.

Green Peace Guy: "Hey! It's her! Hey!"

Girl: "Sorry. Can't talk. I'm in a rush."

Green Peace Guy: "Hey, I'm in a rush, too. To save the planet!"

- Chicago and State

-- Submitted by Gemma

Delish.

Guy: (on cell) "If you're going to the store can you pick up yogurt? Yeah and not that vomit tasting one that was full of fat."

- Yellow Line

-- Submitted by swifty

Definitely. Must be the hidden tire.

Girl: (on cell) "...And it just stopped. I was able to pull to the side. I don't know. The engine went 'crunchy, crunchy, ploppy, ploppy, screeeeeeeeeech.' And then it stopped. You don't think it's a blown tire, do you?"

- Downtown Naperville

-- Submitted by Louis

She might have had a great personality.

Guy: "I thought it'd be love at first sight until I saw her body. I think she ate her last boyfriend."

- ESPNZone

-- Submitted by Martin

Good try.

Guy: "Can you make the deal better? The gym down the street is giving me 6 months free."

Sales Guy: "We're not doing that.''

Guy: "Can I get a free day then?"

- X-sport

-- Submitted by Ronnie

He's awake and he's lying.

Woman #1: "He just keeps waking me up, begging for a piece. In the morning he tells me he's asleep and doesn't remember any of it."

Woman #2: "He's sleepwalking?"

Woman #1: "More like sleepsexing."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by M

And for, 50 dollars, they'll pay you

Girl: "I hear that for twenty dollars you can get everything for free."

- Belmont Red Line Stop

-- Submitted by sealouse

I mean, it's KIND of technoligical.

Woman: ''It's amazing what moderate technology can do."

- Green line

-- Submitted by Stephen

If you are seeing an errant posting on Google or some other RSS feed, that was an error by a publishing partner. Excuse the interruption.

She got ya there.

Guy #1: "I have to go to physical therapy."

Guy #2: "For how long?"

Guy #1: "I think eight weeks. My hand just won't get better. I guess I have to stop pleasing the women. Right?"

Random Goth Girl: "You're obviously only pleasing yourself. If you were pleasing women, you wouldn't be concerned with your hand."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Stunned

Duty failed. By many.

Guy: "I think I'm going to ask her out again."

Girl: "Your last date was a disaster. Can't you just find someone new?"

Guy: "But then where's the thrill? I've got to make things right. It's my civic duty."

Girl: "Who are you? Superawfuldaterman? Your civic duty is to not be a dumbass."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Renee

Try texting on it. Near impossible.

Woman: (on cell) "How do you drunk dial on a rotary phone? It probably takes 20 minutes just to figure the damn thing out and being all inebriated. And what if you pass out mid-rotary?"

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Sheesh

The donor list is going to be short.

Girl: "If my left wrist hurts and my right wrist is fine, should I be worried about needing a transplant or replacement or something?"

- Orthopedic Office, North side

-- Submitted by Nurse of Fools

Vote for change indeed.

Guy: "Now that Obama's going to be President, he'll try and fix stuff. Hopefully he brings back 70's music. And eight tracks. Awesome."

- DePaul University

-- Submitted by Zander

Guy: "Now that Obama's going to be President, he'll try and fix stuff. Hopefully he brings back 70's music. And eight tracks. Awesome."

She is now.

Guy: (on cell, angrily speaking) "Say it! Just say it! Is she breaking up with me?!"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by innocent bystander

It's apparently possible with brains.

Guy: "I wonder if it can ever get to the point where your eyeballs just shatter."

- Chicago Ave. bus

-- Submitted by Jessica

It was a double whammy if she's a vet.

Guy: (on cell) "I was in this relationship with a girl named Kelly and, you know, Memorial Weekend I just coldly dumped her."

- Office, Wolf & Palatine, Wheeling

-- Submitted by Jenny

Friends think of everything.

Girl: "So you had long underwear?"

Guy: "Well I normally wear nothing, but I tried padded shorts, they worked well. Then Steve bought me these tight black ones and those were even better."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by jeff

You won't know until you try. And have a better attitude!

Guy# 1: "Come on! you should run the Shamrock Shuffle with me! it'll be fun!"

Guy#2: "The what?"

Guy# 1: "It's a race!"

Guy#2: "But what if I don't win it? I don't think I should. I won't win it."

- Jewel, Roosevelt & State

-- Submitted by Oscar

With the relationship? Completely.

Guy: (on cell) "No, bitch. It's not cold for me? I wish we loved in Antarctica. Fuckin' happy?"

- Adams Street El Platform

-- Submitted by Substandard

Sounds legit.

Officer: "And the reason all these drugs are in your possession is?"

Suspect: "I bought them so I could flush them down the toilet. Keep some kids safe."

- Downtown

-- Submitted by Assisting Officer

P.S. You're getting evicted

Guy: (on cell) "But if the rent is due on the 15th, why do you keep calling me three days early every month?! But it's due the 15th! Unless you're jerking off with the check before you give it to the bank, I see no reason to get it to you early every month. "

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Cathy

Unknown guy code?

Guy #1: "...and the guy just wouldn't go faster down the stairs. I got as close as I could and he wouldn't hurry up. I was going to punch him in the back of the head!"

Guy #2: "Why didn't you pass him?"

Guy #1: "That's akin to ball punching. Total dick move."

- South Loop/Columbia

-- Submitted by Paul

Man's gotta eat. He can't be buyin' extra pants!

Guy: (Wiping salt stains off his khaki pants) "I hate winter. I hate, hate, hate it. I am not made of money. I can't just wash my pants whenever I want"

- West Town Office

-- Submitted by Regina

And brains tatooed on your rear.

Barfly: "I wanna get lips tattooed on my lips."

- Jake's Pub

-- Submitted by amy dee

Kids are fearless. And often stupid.

Mom: "Get back from the street! You're gonna trip and fall under the bus!"

Little boy: "Cool!"

- Lawrence and Western

-- Submitted by Spinner

Uh....we didn't win.

Hobo in Vietnam Vet Hat: "You sistas should thank me for your job. I hadn'ta fought in Vietnam, you'd be speaking Vietnamese now."

- 47th and Cottage Grove

-- Submitted by Just trying to get by on the South Side

When you start enjoying it.

Cop: "When does CPR become necrophilia?"

- Union Station

--Submitted by Melissa

In today's troubled times...

Guy: (on cell) "You're wearing a what? The only place you'd wear a corset to an interview is at the Bunny Ranch!"

- State and Lake

-- Submitted by Amy

Makes the first step unnecessary.

Girl: "If you brush my ass again, I'm gonna rip out your eyes and replace them with your balls. Then I'll kill you. Twice."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by tyler

Not even in a smelly way?

Guy: (on cell) "I love her and I'm happy we're together, but I need her to stop crapping in my shoes. It's not cute."

- Michigan and Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Jay

Disinviting yourself over?

Girl: "Can I come over for dinner?"

Guy: "Sure. What time?"

Girl: "I'm too tired to come over. Another time, maybe?"

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Randy

Your brain has already succumbed.

Guy: "If I die from the HIV, I'll survive."

- Diversey Rock and Bowl

-- Submitted by Joe

What if it was your son?

Woman: (on cell) "There isn't anything more awkward than watchin' your 3 year old daughter breast feed her baby doll in front of your boss. No, I'm not facebooking it!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jeanette

No. You're not. Hence the trust.

Guy #1: "Why don't you worry about toilet seat covers at my house?"

Guy #2: "Because you're not a stranger."

Guy #1: "So you trust my ass to be less infested? I'm touched."

- Navy Pier

-- Submitted by Vinny

Neith did green money. Or white Broncos.

Guy: "White money didn't do OJ no good."

- #8 Halsted bus

-- Submitted by Stagalicious

Neith did green money. Or white Broncos.

Guy: "White money didn't do OJ no good."

- #8 Halsted bus

-- Submitted by Stagalicious

No bottles on the train, rulebreaker.

Conductor: "We're gonna be stoppin for 15 minutes. I know you wanna get home, I know i do. Open up a bottle of Chardonnay. Mmmm."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by G

They need to be separated.

(Night of New Years @ 3am.)

Two guys in the same stall in the mens room.

Guy #1: "Well, what do you want me to do?"

Guy #2: "Call 911"!

Guy #1: "And what the fuck should I tell them?"

Guy #2: "Tell them to come and pick us up!"

- Clarke's on Belmont

-- Submitted by Paul

That's a lotta Jesus.

Subway Jesus (dressed in a white robe carrying a large cross): "HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS, MA'AM!??"

Lady: "Um, sure."

Subway Jesus: "YOU!?" (pointing to a boy in his teens)

Teen Boy: "Enough to be Pagan?"

-- Purple Line

--Submitted by Surprised and Amused

Not at all?

Girl: "An orange is nothing like a vagina."

- Uptown

-- Submitted by Spinner