At least it isn't his fault.

Guy: "What's going on?"

Girl: "Fuck off."

Guy: "PMS, eh?"

Girl: "Yeah. PMS, dipshit. Nevermind the fact that you're a total asshole. I can't be mad at you without my body getting ready for my vagina to bleed."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Tres

Eating?

Drunk Guy #1: "All I'm saying is that the anus is not a forgiving hole, it should not be forced. That's not what it's meant for."

Drunk Guy #2: "Yeah... but.."

Drunk Guy #1: "But the mouth, now that is a hole that was designed for it."

- Hamilton's Bar

-- Submitted by Apeface

Slow down, Batman.

Guy #1: "I say we sue them."

Guy #2: "Forget it. Just let it die."

Guy #1: "No. We're going to sue them. This is horseshit."

Guy #2: "It's a freaking french fry. Leave it alone."

Guy #1: "IT'S GREEN! This is obvioulsy an attempt to poison us. I'm going to take this down to the lab right now!"

- McDonald's on State

-- Submitted by Christopher

Seems normal, right?

Girl: "How nourishing is blood?"

Guy: "If you drink it?"

Girl: "As opposed to?"

Guy: "As opposed to nothing. What the hell kind of question is that?"

Girl: "I'm not going to start murdering people or anything. I was just thinking about some random stuff."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Potato Sack

Uhm. Did you know you were at Excalibur?

Girl #1: "I'm not going back in there."

Girl #2: "Yes you are."

Girl #1: "No, I'm not. The guys keep leering at me."

Girl #2: "Isn't that why we go out in the first place?"

Girl #1: "No. This isn't the 'Cocktease Club.' I just want to hang out, look sexy, and enjoy my night. I DID NOT want to be a piece of meat."

- Outside Excalibur

-- Submitted by Jenny

I think there's a simple explanation...

Guy: (on cell) "Why is it everytime you go out, you end up wondering why you have an STD?"

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Quan

That's not going to help in everyday conversation

Girl #1: "...so teach me something."

Girl #2: "No. I hate when people ask me to teach things."

Girl #1: "Come on, just one thing."

Girl #2: (says something in her language)

Girl #1: "What does that mean?"

Girl #2: "1,2,3,4, suck my dick."

- UIC Dorms

-- Submitted by Blare

Let his people go!

Father: "David! come back to ancient Egypt!"

- Field Museum

-- Submitted by AJ

I find duct tape does the trick.

Woman: "My back really hurts."

Man: "I'm sorry, hon. We'll go to the doctor this afternoon."

Woman: "You said that this morning! Why can't we just go now! My back really, really, really hurts."

Man: "Not enough to shut you up, though, huh?"

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Cabbie John

This is the stupidest saying in Chicago.

Guy #1: "It's cold, man."

Guy #2: "Yeah, it's super cold. But it's Chicago. If you wait five minutes, the weather will change."

Guy #1: "Really, dumbass? Because 5 minutes ago it was fucking cold, too. I'll bet you a million dollars that in 5 more minutes, it'll still be fucking freezing."

Guy #2: "I was just sayin' is all."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carlos

Or annoyingly laugh until you punch him in his stupid face.

Guy#1 "Hey look, its a Pee Wee Herman Doll!"

Guy #2 "Maybe if you pull the string he'll jerk himself off."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by The Italian Pirate

It's kind of like buffalo wings.

Woman: "Hot sauce on bread? We ain't that poor!"

- Metra North Central Line

-- Submitted by Trying to Nap Unsuccessfully

Yeah, lady. It's a real life crisis.

Woman: "Where are your cross-country skis? I only see downhill."

Employee: "Oh, we don't have cross country this year, we opened too late to have them, but we will next year. Our other stores have them."

Woman: "You should be ashamed of yourselves."

Employee: "I'm sorry."

Woman: "Well, that doesn't help my five year old."

- REI, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Shamed and Abused

But it doesn't make your tip go down.

Girl #1: "That's horrible."

Flamboyant waiter: "Oh my god! Is something wrong with your drink?"

Girl #1: "No, it's fine."

Girl #2: "She was just saying that I'm horrible."

Waiter: "Well that's not very nice either."

- Cheesecake Factory

-- Submitted by Maria

But it doesn't make your tip go down.

Girl #1: "That's horrible."

Flamboyant waiter: "Oh my god! Is something wrong with your drink?"

Girl #1: "No, it's fine."

Girl #2: "She was just saying that I'm horrible."

Waiter: "Well that's not very nice either."

- Cheesecake Factory

-- Submitted by Maria

It's all about goals, ladies, and cheese is a lofty one.

Woman #1: "I know he's hot, but he sells cheese for a living. I just broke up with a guy in a band who works in a coffee shop. I'm thinking I need to set my sights higher this time."

Woman #2: "Life time supply of gouda, that's all I'm saying."

Woman #1: "Cheese. Jesus, why can't a guy in a suit fall in love with me?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Lauren

Happy New Year!

Have a happy new year, everyone! And please celebrate safely.

-- Z

Happy New Year!

Have a happy new year, everyone! And please celebrate safely.

-- Z

Well, that's deflating.

Guy #1: "What are we doing for New Years?"

Guy #2: "Women."

Guy #1: "Yeah. But what about you? BURN!"

Guy #2: "Wow. Good one. The sad part is you're right. You'll get tons of girls. And I'll be stuck, drinking by myself, shooing everyone away while the countdown starts. If I'm lucky, I'll kiss my own hand and wonder when I'll finally be happy. Thanks for that."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Flames Fan

That's ALMOST as bad as wandering around Egypt for forty years. Almost.

Guy: (on cell) "I make fun of his Xbox going down and then, BAM! A few days later my projector dies. It's like God hates Jews. You'd think he'd treaten the chosen a wee bit better, no?"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Mikey

I think it's the devil. THE DEVIL!

Woman: "So I have to ask you this burning question."

Man: "What's that?"

Woman: "How do you feel about garlic?"

Man: "Well, I think my second wife was a vampire. She fed it to me all of the time."

- Club Lucky

-- Submitted by Chicago Import

1,500 posts! Woo Hoo!

Guy: "Where are you going for break?"

Girl: "Aunt's house in Michigan. We're all meeting there. You?"

Guy: "I think I'm staying at my apartment. I don't need to see my mom get drunk, my grandmother sob about her horrible life, my brothers complaining about not getting what they want, and my dad sitting in the corner, pretending to be on the phone for 3 days."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Clarise

There's nothing wrong with Easy Mac.

30 something: "Don't worry, almost no one graduates in four years these days. It took me 8 years! There's really nothing to feel bad about."

20 something: "Yes, but you got married and had two children along the way. I've been eating Easy Mac and watching Everyone Loves Raymond."

- Woodfield Mall

-- Submitted by April

Make it 15 and I'll do it.

Young boy to young friend: "I'll give ya ten bucks to do the Soulja Boy dance."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Hoping My Kids Won't Grow Up So Fast

Merry Christmas, Mr. Potter!

Back on Wednesday. Have a great holiday!

Z

Good thing they didn't misspell tigger.

Man: "...and the license plate was hilarious. POO BER6"

Woman: "Poo bear? Like shit bear? That's AWESOME. The H is kind of important."

Man: "What if they changed it a little. It could have been Po' Bear."

Woman: "Or P'ho Bear!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Roberto

At least he shares a positive outlook.

Dad: "Sweetie. Sweetie. Come here. Don't. No. Don't. Come HERE!"

Employee: "We don't have any left in stock but...."

Dad: "Hold on. Pumpkin, get over here, NOW! Does working here make you want kids more or less?"

Employee: "Neither really."

Dad: "Oh yeah? If I worked here before I had kids, I would have snipped the tubes myself."

- Kids R Us, Niles

-- Submitted by Jennifer

To concentrate harder on the lovefest?

Suit 1: "Its like a love-fest in there. I hate it!"

Suit 2: "Yeah. You want a ritalin?"

Suit 1: "Sure."

- Randolph and Michigan

-- Submitted by Rachel

Sigh.

Guy #1: "You want to go to the Bears game on Sunday?"

Guy #2: "Who are they playing?"

Guy #1: "Packers."

Guy #2: "Is it going to be warm?"

Guy #1: "No. It's December."

Guy #2: "Then I'm not going. I'd rather not freeze my balls off AND watch the Bears get the ever-living shit beat out of them. Although, they may have a 'play quarterback for the Bears' contest. I couldn't be much worse."

- CNA Building

-- Submitted by Corporate

Try someplace cheaper, like 7-11

Guy #1: "...I'll just pay by check."

Guy #2: "You can't afford it. Just get her something cheaper."

Guy #1: "I'll just post date the check to 2040. They'll never know."

Guy #2: "Until you hand them the check, idiot."

- Nordstrom's, Skokie

-- Submitted by Haughty Taughty

NOW you're convinced? Call the F'n police.

20-something: "I always thought my ex was crazy, but now I'm convinced that he's out of his mind. Last night he climbed through a window to my room to leave a teddy bear and some candy for my birthday. I mean, he was in my home when I wasn't there! I care about him, but he needs to move on already."

- Blue Line

-- Micah

That's a good angle

Guy: "What are you writing?"

Girl: "A paper for history."

Guy: "About what?"

Girl: "If I took one event in history and erased it, what I think the outcome would be. We're kind of limited to negatives though, like erasing Hitler, Stalin, or Idi Amin. Stuff like that."

Guy: "How about just erasing their parents?"

- UIC

-- Submitted by Penelope A.

I'll take the first one.

Female Med Student: "I want life to be like Grey's Anatomy or ER."

Male Med Student: "Why the hell would you want that?"

F.M.S.: "Because I love those shows and want to be a doctor."

M.M.S.: "Great. So you want to be in a hospital where everyone fucks everyone else, forgets about it, fucks someone else, and then fuck the first person again? Oh wait. I forgot about the wonky, bumbling, and/or stupid med student who ends up saving a bunch of lives. Which person do you want to be?"

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Janet

Well, he did say different

Guy #1: "What are you doing tonight?"

Guy #2: "Hanging out in my room. I'm kind of tired."

Guy #1: "Let's do something different tonight."

Guy #2: "Like what? I don't feel like going out."

Guy #1: "That's cool. Let's hang out in your room them, but instead of playing video games, let's make moonshine or something."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Wiley

Isn't the word 'Detroit' french?

Guy: (on cell) "I'm saying this because I'm mad. Chicago isn't Detroit. Detroit's a damn slum. Like, right now I'm in this coffee shop, uh, uh, Bain-jer. They don't speak French in Detroit."

- Bonjour Bakery, Hyde Park

-- Submitted by Michael

Clowntime sounds exciting.

Guy: "Do you think maybe we can put her to bed without all the theatrics tonight? Just like, read a story and then get some sleep?"

Girl: "No. Without the theatrics, bedtime is boring."

Guy: "That's why's it CALLED bedtime. If it were supposed to be exciting, it'd be called the circus. Or clowntime. Or 'fuck sleep, we're gonna play' time."

- EJ's Place

-- Submitted by Rohan

That makes it hotter, right?

Girl: "She's not a lesbian in the conventional sense."

- DePaul University

-- Submitted by Jeff

Dense

Guy #1: "Let's go golfing."

Guy #2: "It's December."

Guy #1: "So let's take a trip."

Guy #2: "I have to study."

Guy #1: "Come on. A weekend jaunt to Arizona."

Guy #2: "Why don't you start our jaunt by getting the hell out of our room. Or you can go further by having me throw you out. Either way, you start walking, and I'll meet you there."

Guy #1: "Cool. Where should we meet?"

Guy #2: "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Viking

That'd be a neat trick

Girl #1: "I think there's something wrong with the baby."

Girl #2: "What's the matter?"

Girl #1: "She keeps drooling and spitting up."

Girl #2: "Ok? She's three months old."

Girl #1: "Is that normal?"

Girl #2: "Do you expect her to be eating steak and drinking wine?"

- Metra Milwaukee District North

-- Submitted by Rider

All his charm is going towards girl B.

Guy: "Why would you answer my phone?"

Girl: "Because it could have been important."

Guy: "What if it was my mistress or some girl who I'm just sleeping with?"

Girl: "First, they probably wouldn't talk if another girl answered. Second, you're barely keeping me around. How the hell do you think you could get someone else?"

- Cary

-- Submitted by Far Away

Someone loves their shoes

Girl #1: "Let's go shoe shopping."

Girl #2: "It's snowy outside."

Girl #1: "So? It's not snowy inside."

Girl #2: "Right, but how can we walk out in new shoes if they're going to get all wet and salty."

Girl #1: "Keep them in the box?"

Girl #2: "New shoes? In the box? Who are you? Hitler?!"

- State and Lake

-- Submitted by Tree

I think the proper term is mental disorder patients. Or crazies.

Guy #1: "I think I'm going to stick with psych. It's a good practice to be in right now."

Guy #2: "I'd rather be a urologist. You deal with less nuts. Get it? Nuts?"

Guy #1: "Yeah, but I have to put up with retards like you. I go to the ward for quiet time. Asshole."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Gary P.

Business ethics in practice

Bum: "Happy Holidays, folks. Be it Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa or whatever. All I need is a little help. Not for presents, not for travel. Just to help me forget about years past. Magic elixirs, folks. Magic elixirs."

- Outside of Union Station

-- Submitted by Johnny

We must remember the important things.

Girl #1: "Are you ready for the ice storm tonight?"

Girl #2: "Yeah. I figure if it gets bad, I'll just stay in the dorms. I don't want to break my leg."

Girl #3: "Forget that. I'm just happy my hair won't get frizzy."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Queen

1 ,2, 3. No, wait, 2. That last one is a vampire.

Guy #1: "What are you doing?"

Guy #2: "Counting the amount of dead people I know."

Guy #1: "Like currently dead or previously dead?"

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Guy #1: "What are you doing?"

Guy #2: "Counting the amount of dead people I know."

Guy #1: "Like currently dead or previously dead?"

Guy #2: "

Our warm, non-nuclear winters.

Guy: "Let's go on vacation."

Girl: "Where to?"

Guy: "Russia."

Girl: "Why Russia?"

Guy: "When I come back, I want to appreciate Chicago's warm winters."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Tihar

He'd be grumpy, that's for sure.

Man: "I used to work for this lady who was such a bitch. And she looks like Danny DeVito, in drag. No, seriously, imagine Danny DeVito with a red curly wig and you have my boss."

Woman: "I can see Danny DeVito in drag being a bitch."

- Michigan Ave

-- Submitted by Mary

Ain't that the truth

Homeless man 1: "We got to make some money."

Homeless man 2: "No no no man. Making money's easy; KEEPIN' it's the problem."

- Wrigleyville McDonald's

-- Submitted by Girlsicle

Are they little firemen or big firemen?

Woman: "Oh, look. Firemen! I totally want to marry a fireman someday."

Man: "You know, they go commando under their rubber pants. Trust me, I've seen pictures."

- Michigan and Wacker

-- Submitted by Mary

She wouldn't get very far.

Man #1: "...so she was caller 103 and she won $1,000!"

Man #2: "Man, if I ever win $1,000 I'mma buy me a good woman."

Woman: "Scuse me? She'd take that money and leave yo ass, fool."

- Dick Blick on State

-- Submitted by April

So do moose. You don't see people signing THEIR petitions.

Green Peace guy wearing cheerful reindeer antlers: "Excuse me ma'm. Do you care about the environment?"

Loyola girl: (blank stare)

Green Peace guy: "Hey, I'm wearing antlers!"

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Lau

They even ruin furry conventions.

Guy" (cell phone) "Damn furries. Why do they have to ruin everything?"

- #151 Sheridan Bus

-- Submitted by Katie

At least YOU'LL be fine.

Guy: (on cell) "I figure she's either going to go to school or die. Either way, I have a peaceful meeting."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by John

The squatter wouldn't leave.

Guy: "...so we're looking for a new cleaning lady."

Girl: "Ours is awesome. She comes in, works for four hours, and cleans everything. Sixty bucks."

Guy: "Our's comes in, works for 5 hours, and cleans nothing. Hundred bucks."

Girl: "Are you sure she's a cleaning lady and not a squatter?"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Kylie

And a side of fries

College girl: "You know what sounds really good right now? World peace."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Sushi

There are defined levels?

Guy walking behind his 3 frolicking friends: "I don't think anyone doubts how gay you are."

- Belmont and Halsted

-- Submitted by Meg

Happy Chanukkah!

Updates when I get out of my car.

At least he's got a flow.

Hobo to a guy in an orange knit hat: "I like your hat. It is orange. Orange is a very positive color. It is my favorite color. My birthday is next Tuesday."

- Red Line, South Loop

-- Submitted by Brian

She was 16 at the time.

Teen girl 1: "....It was a horrible way to find out about Santa."

Teen girl 2: "Oh man! My way was bad, too. We fell asleep under the tree so our parents just let us sleep there. I woke up in the middle of the night to find them putting presents around us. My life hasn't been the same since."

- Woodfield mall

-- Submitted by Katie

That stuff is pretty tasty. Hippie.

Alternachick: "Dudes!!! How do you not carry low fat chocolate soy milk?"

- Chicago Ave. Dominick's

-- Submitted by La Sirena

But it's so sweet and tasty.

Guy: (on cell) "...Yeah, we're doing sundae's tonight. Did you get all the stuff? I just got whipped cream last week! JUST BECAUSE IT'S FAT FREE DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN EAT THE WHOLE DAMN CONTAINER! Then you wonder why your toes are invisible to you!"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Taylor

Just continue the normal, casual conversation

Guy: "I don't know what I would say if I was at the dog park and someone said to me, 'I have AIDS!'"

- University of Chicago, Cobb

-- Submitted by Katie

Don't strain yourself.

Guy: "You could probably coach basketball too. It takes a lot of little things, though. I have to...I...I have to remember all the kids' names."

- North Suburban Office

-- Submitted by Wasn't Eavesdropping

Brotherly Love

(Two guys swearing.)

Random Dude: "Guys, could you please not swear. It's really offensive."

Swearer #1: "And? You don't like it? Take your bitch ass to a different car."

Swearer #2: "Yeah! You a bitch ass. Bitch ass."

Random Dude: "Jesus loves all. Since I love Jesus, and Jesus loves you, I love you as well."

Swearer #1: "Well you better not love me before I punch you in the God damn mouth!"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Randy

Because in a good way would be....

Girl #1: "When is it going to snow?"

Girl #2: "Who cares? Snow is awful."

Girl #1: "Snow is gorgeous. All light and fluffy."

Girl #2: "Snow is the worst. It kills everything. Traffic, activities, everything!"

Girl #3: "Yeah. It's like it makes time slow down, and then speed up, and the slow down. And not in a good way."


- Red Line

-- Submitted by Janine

Right after the Jedi Mind Trick

Guy #1: "Let's go somewhere. I'm bored."

Guy #2: "Where do you want to go?"

Guy #1: "I don't know. You want to catch a movie?"

Guy #2: "Are you going to pay for both of us, too? What the hell is the matter with you?"

Guy #1: "I'm just saying. We don't have to sit next to each other, we can just watch."

Guy #2: "'Til you use the old 'yawn trick.'"

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Kyle

Fakes

Hey everyone. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to start confirming submissions. I've had one individual who has submitted about 30 items in the past four weeks from the same IP address. S/he's pretty good at creating fake email addresses but, after an IP check, it's all from the same person. Your chances of having a submission posted are much greater if you give a REAL email address. Again, it won't be shared with anyone, but I'm not into fake posts.

Now, onto the show.

Crazy, Party of One. Your drinks are ready.

Sobbing Drunk Woman: "You know I like to go to the bar and stay out late. So if you're gonna be with me, you need to decide now."

Man: "The bar closes in an hour. It's time to go. You've had too much to drink. Now lets go."

Sobbing Drunk Woman: "NO! NO! NO! You know I stay until it closes. We leave when I say we leave. You're embarrsing me in front of my friends. Don't you care about me?!"

Man: You have had way too much. Just listen to you! I don't care if I embarrass you. I love you, but I've had enough."

Sobbing Drunk Woman: "No you listen. I don't care if you're married. We've been dating WAY too long and if you think we're fucked up now, it's only going to get worse."

- In front of Jake's Pub

-- Submitted by Dizzy

It is. The whole town is a giant slide.

Preteen Girl: "Daddy, what IS Grand Rapids?"

Dad: "It's a town, er, um, it's a city."

Preteen Girl: "Oh. I thought it was like a water park or something."

- O'Hare

-- Submitted by Ltrn

It may stand for "you're a moron."

Girl #1: "Yeah, I have some friends who go to NIU, UIC."

Girl #2: "What does the 'I' stand for?"

Girl #1: "Um, I'm not sure."

- Plane coming to Chicago from Minneapolis

-- Submitted by JR

It's funnier when you realize they don't work. At least for Walgreens.

Woman at ATM: "I have a cold. I went to Walgreens to try and get some medicine, but all they had was knockoffs. You know, Waldryl, Wal-a-fed, like that. Aren't those names funny?"

Friend: "Yeah they are!"

Woman: "There was also Wal-trin. That was my favorite."

Friend: "Oh my gosh, that's hilarious."

- Chase Bank, South Loop

-- Submitted by Grace

There are witches in the sea?!

Girl: (on cell) "Ursula is being such a BITCH!"

Guy (through the window) : "Yes, sea witches can be like that."

- Lakeview Apartment

-- Submitted by anonymous

There are witches in the sea?!

Girl: (on cell) "Ursula is being such a BITCH!"

Guy (through the window) : "Yes, sea witches can be like that."

- Lakeview Apartment

-- Submitted by anonymous

Or just switch girlfriends

Man to friend looking in "romance" section of cards: "You should just stock up on cards. You know you're going to screw up again."

- Walgreens on Wells/Adams

-- Submitted by Stephanie

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!

Som absolute craziness going on.

I'm in the middle of some pretty intense stuff. Updates soon.

Z

Som absolute craziness going on.

I'm in the middle of some pretty intense stuff. Updates soon.

Z

Someone's green with envy.

Drama queen: "And then, she made popcorn at 2 AM. Do you know what sex and popcorn smells like at 2 in the morning? I mean, I had to be up in a few hours. The worst part is that neither the sex or the popcorn was mine. I hate my roommate. I hate her. I HATE HER!"

- University Center

-- Submitted by Molly

And then you can play "Cellmate" with Butch!

Creepy Guy: "You best put your sweater on, you're going to catch a cold."

Girl: "Oh, it's okay. I was just outside and it's not that cold!"

Creepy Guy: "Well if you do get sick, I could be your doctor."

- Loop Office Elevator

-- Submitted by Allie

Out of rain?

Man: "It's raining. Let's make a baby."

- Walgreen's in Glen Ellyn

-- Submitted by Agnes

Probably digs S&M

Girl: (on cell) "...and we didn't want to be bothered. No, we were sitting there chatting. He just comes up and starts dancing in front of us, doing that kissy face, head noddy thing. Yeah. So we told him he had two choices: Go away, or get punched in the junk. Yeah, I can't believe we punched him either."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carla

Touche, madam. Touche.

Creepy guy: "Hey Cutie, you looking good. You ever been with a black man?"

Woman: "No. Have you?"

- Millennium Park

-- Submitted by Agnes

Must be a whopper of a backstory

First Guy: "I've never done anything weird before."

Second Guy: "Well how about that time you had to make out with a girl to prove you weren't gay."

First Guy: "You are taking that out of context."

- 58th and University

-- SuMust be some contextbmitted by Double D

Details. Not important. (NEEEEEIGH!)

Guy: "Man, man she's a stallion. She like 5"10, ya know. She's a stallion."

Random stranger: "You do you know that a stallion is a male horse for breeding, right?"

- 626 Pace Bus, Skokie

-- Submitted by Annoyed Commuter

Yowza

Woman: "Hey. He's here. You better get out of his chair."

Man: "Fuck him. He doesn't own this chair. It's communal."

Woman: "Not when you get fired."

- South Side

-- Submitted by Lindy

Gotta appreciate sober friends.

Drunk guy: "All of them. It's all of them bitches I've fucked."

Sober guy: "Ok. First of all, you have got to stop calling them bitches. And second, you need to give some, too. Relationships are about compromise."

- Franklin and Jackson

-- Submitted by J

Too late.

Male Customer: "I think I may have developed genital warts. Is it okay to use Compound-W on it?"

Pharmacist: "That type of Compound-W may cause harm to genital areas. You should consult your physician immediately."

- Northwest Suburban Walgreens

-- Submitted by Endlessly Disgusted

Too late.

Male Customer: "I think I may have developed genital warts. Is it okay to use Compound-W on it?"

Pharmacist: "That type of Compound-W may cause harm to genital areas. You should consult your physician immediately."

- Northwest Suburban Walgreens

-- Submitted by Endlessly Disgusted

You'd need a big oven.

Woman: (on cell) "Why don't we do something new for Thanksgiving? No, not just with decorations. How about with the food? I don't know, like, eat a giraffe or something."

- Metra Union Pacific

-- Submitted by Randy

It's the thing to do.

Man: (on cell) "Stacy. That's. No. Awful. Why on earth would you name your kid after a rock?!"

- Skokie Swift

-- Submitted by Yee

Oprah would never ride in a limo with "normal" people.

Girl #1: "What are you looking at?"

Girl #2: "That limo. Whenever I see a limo, I secretly hope Oprah is inside looking back at me. I mean, Oprah could totally be in there."

Girl #1: "Do you realize how many limo riders you've probably creeped out?"

- N. Michigan Ave

-- Submitted by Leigh

Trixie

Inspired lecturer: "To sum it up, teaching is not about the money. Teaching is about the love of spreading your knowledge to young people and making education exciting for everyone. I hope a few years from now, all of you will begin on your own teaching careers."

College girl: "I have a new back up plan and I can sum it up in two words: Trophy Wife."

- Roosevelt University

-- Submitted by Steph

Chicago: We're diverse.

Professor: "You all should appreciate the great city of Chicago. Appreciate that you go to school in such a good area. Back where I come from, some of the lower end areas of Chicago, those people don't go to Watertower. They don't go shopping up on Michigan Avenue. Oh no. Someone says 'Hello Ma'am, how are you, would you like to try some perfume?' and you say 'Yes, thank you.' Back home they say 'What the fuck is this? What you trying to spray on me?' Ya'll should be damn proud to come from a good part of Chicago."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Jesse

Nerds rule

Dork #1: "I'm not saying I'd want to die, but how cool would it be if King Kong came busting through that building, grabbed this L car and totally flung us like 100 feet into the river?"

Dork #2: "I'd die to see that."

(Coversation continued)

Dork #1: "If I won the lottery I think I'd buy a jet pack. Not the stupid real one, but a Boba Fett one. And the armor. And I'd become a bounty hunter."

Dork #2: "That wouldn't leave much money left."

Dork #1: "That's where the bounty hunting comes in."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Brett

She's already gone.

Mom #1: "She never shares."

Mom #2: "Neither does he. He just runs around with his balls and won't let anyone else have them."

Mom #1: "You realize what you just said, right?"

Mom #2: "Yup. And I don't care anymore."

- North Suburban Pre-school

-- Submitted by Shep

I'm more concerned with global warming.

Guy #1 (looking in backpack): "Jiminy Christmas! I forgot my lunch at home again. Damn it. You'll have to excuse my language but it's just that I told myself I wouldn't do this."

Guy #2: "Um. I'm more concerned with the fact that you just said Jiminy Christmas."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Michael

It's not a micrope...uhm...forget it.

20 something: "No girl, you got to test men out before you date them. Mhm. "

Friend: "Are you for real? That seems so superficial."

20 something: "Baby listen to me. The one time I didn't test I found out the dude had micropenis. Test before you say yes."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Steph

Are you planning a burglary?

Black Girl: "...But the cops won't see me!"

White girl: "True dat. You blend in but now we got lights! E-LEC-TRICITY Bitch! We see you!"

- Congress Theater

-- Submitted by Ayen

But not as bad as a fried catfish.

Girl: "Today has sucked. Completely and totally sucked. It's sucked worse than a catfish."

- Warren Township High School

-- Submitted by At