Happy Jew Year!

Posts Thursday!

And a huge bank account.

Girl: "Any girl's a sucker for four gigs of RAM."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Switch

Do NOT sit next to her.

Woman: (on cell) "I barely made it. Thank goodness I travel with my pocket lavatory."

- O'Hare Airport

-- Submitted by yes

God is sweet and tasty?

Guy: "Look. Your conclusions about God can't be induced from what you're saying about the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Student

He...eats...stiletto's?

Woman: (on cell) "...you think so, Ron? Well, maybe I'd be nicer if you stopped staring at my shoes like they were for dinner. THINK ABOUT IT!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Rider

2,000 posts! YAAAAY!

Girl: (on cell) "My daughter keeps kicking the crap out of other girls. I mean, she's only 4. I'm concerned that once she can hold up an axe, she's going to do jail time."

- Bronzeville

-- Submitted by Alan

Eating or pooping?

Girl #1: "I need another colon cleansing."

Girl #2: "Through the mouth or through the butt?"

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Jessica

Then it would be Jewish New Week.

Guy #1: "Can you play racquetball on Monday?"

Guy #2: "No, I can't. It's the Jewish New Year."

Guy #1: "Is that every Monday?"

- Boeing Building

-- Submitted by Victor

Mad or injured?

Guy #1: "Will you get mad if I tell you a racist joke?"

Guy #2: "Will you get mad if I give you a racist punch in the throat?"

- Sears Tower

-- Submitted by Will E.

Where would he keep it?

Guy: (on cell) "Well, did you tell her that the giraffe wasn't yours?"

- Walgreens, South Loop

-- Submitted by Tia

Or you can just check it.

(Loud music playing)

Girl #1: "I think my cell phone is ringing!"

Girl #2: "How can you hear it?"

Girl #1: "It's woman's intuition!"

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Kyle

...by the smell.

Guy: "I'm wearing the same outfit I wore last night, but I'm switching shoes. The ladies will be amazed."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Con

You mean "classy?"

Girl: (on cell) "No, mom. His TV was on boxes. NO! Cardboard. I'm not sleeping with that kind of guy."

- Logan Square

-- Submitted by Melinda

Isn't Bigfoot a dude?

(Guy has large red mark on his shoulder.)

Guy #1: "What happened to your shoulder?"

Guy #2: "Must have carried something that dug into it."

Guy #1: "Or someONE must have dug into it."

Guy #2: "Unless I'm nailing Bigfoot, that's not a person's scratch mark."

- Lifetime Fitness, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Freddy

That's poor customer service.

Girl: "What are you doing this weekend?"

Guy: "I have to work."

Girl: "Can I come visit you?"

Guy: "No. My workplace kills visitors on arrival."

- Lalo's

-- Submitted by Carolina

Street free agents: You can't win with um....

(Cell phone rings)

Bears Fan #1: "HOLD ON! SHUT UP! This may be the bears calling me so that I can play defense!"

Bears Fan #2: "You're not going to get the money you deserve! Tell them you're holding out!"

- Soldier Field

-- Submitted by Dang Bears!

The ginger kid ain't laughin'

Guy #1: "He's a red head and he only has one nut."

Guy #2: "How did it happen? Was he born that way?"

Guy #1: "No, but it wasn't cancer. So it's funny."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Derek E.

Brittany hopes she means the Swedish glam band. I hope her friends aren't this stupid.

Middle-aged Woman: "Well, you know, Europe's been around for a while."

- Lincoln and Warner

-- Submitted by Brittany

It's like her own, personal lottery.

Girl: "Oh my God, I am so excited to be wearing sweats!"

- Michigan and 11th

-- Submitted by Cole

It's like her own, personal lottery.

Girl: "Oh my God! I am so excited to be wearing sweats!"

- Michigan and 11th

-- Submitted by Cole