Except for that whole standing thing

(Two girls watching a photographer take pictures of the Segway store on Jackson)

Smart Girl #1: "Why would you take a picture of a store?"

Smart Girl #2: "Maybe she wants to buy one of the Segway's or something."

Smart Girl #1: "Oh, right! Maybe she has a paralyzed brother or something."

Smart Girl #2: "Yeah. Paralyzed or broke his leg or something. That would totally help him out."

Smart Girl #1: "Technology really helps people. The future is gonna be awesome."

- Jackson and Michigan

-- Submitted by Romeo

Have you seen the Guinness Book?

(Group smoking outside of a class building)

Smoking Dude: "Everyone keeps bitching about gas prices. Fck that. Tell them to stop raising cigarette prices."

Smoking Chick: "Seriously. They're killing my rights as a smoker. I mean, I'm a student. I can't keep paying those prices."

Smoking Fat Chick: "You're not kidding. I can't quit smoking. It helps me keep my weight down."

Smoking Dude: "You can get bigger? Sht, I'm gonna run to Congress NOW and tell them either they keep prices of cigarettes down or there's going to be a food shortage."

Smoking Fat Chick: "You may be the worst human being on the planet."

-Loyola Campus

-- Submitted by Stein

I can live with a nursing shortage

Nursing Student #1: "It was my first delivery too. It was real cool 'til the baby came out."

Nursing Student #2: "Was there complications?"

Nursing Student #1: "Naw. But it was the uuuugliest baby I ever seen. All wrinkly and shriveled up. It was nasty."

Nursing Student #3: "They all come out that way. They been in fluid for 9 months. Don't you ever stay in the bathtub too long and get them prune hands?"

Nursing Student #1: "Yeah, but this was worse. I also didn't know whether it was a boy or a girl. Doctor got pretty mad when I asked out loud. How was I supposed to know it was a big deal?"

- Outside of Olympia College

-- Submitted by Larry

Nothing says "cool" like Coke merchandise

Girl #1: "I need to get me a Coke delivery truck man. Yeah !"

Girl #2: "A coke delivery man? Why?"

Girl #1: "Look all that free stuff you can get: free soda, hats and stuff."

Girl #2: "Mmmm, that's true."

- #66 Bus

-- Submitted by Heidi

Must be their star power

(Two guys talking and laughing with a "lollipop head" sitting next to them, trying to goad her into response.)

Guy 1: "I know every generation has their own look and everything, but what's up with this big glasses, huge head, tiny body thing?"

Guy 2: "I don't know. At least the past few style fads have been somewhat acceptable. Girls nowadays look like idiots."

Guy 1: "Why the hell would you buy sun glasses as big as your fcking skull? To use as an umbrella when you're done?"

Lollipop Head: "STOP TALKING ABOUT ME! YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS YOU CAN'T GET YOUR BODIES TO MATCH NICOLE RITCHIE'S AND THE OLSEN TWINS'!"

Guy 1: "Yeah. Jealous. I could either go spend time trying to get them out on a date, or break a twig off of a tree and spend less cash."

- Starbuck's downtown

-- Submitted by Jeff H.

Beer + Baseball = Fun?

Businessman: "The Illini are going to play a game at Wrigley Field this year."

Train Riding Friend: "Excellent. We should go."

Businessman: "What's better is my company is sponsoring the event, so all the employees get a seat and $40 worth of food vouchers for $25."

Train Riding Friend: "$40? That's not enough beer to get you through three freaking innings!"

- Metra

-- Submitted by Eric C.

Why not just call it a twik?

Cubs Fan 1: "What's up with that guy on the train today?"

Cubs Fan 2: "I think he had a tick."

Cubs Fan 3: "What the hell is a tick?"

Cubs Fan 2: "One of those muscle twitches."

Cubs Fan 3: "Then just call it a twitch."

Cubs Fan 1: "Seriously, stop making up frickin' words."

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by Cubbie Blue

The future of America

Teen 1: "DUDE, WHO. ARE. YOU. TALKING. TO."

Teen 2: "Skop. I was talking to freaking Skop. Jesus."

Teen 1: "Skopinski? Why?"

Teen 3: "Cause they're like, in love, or some sht."

Teen 1: "And why were you all like, 'whatever, skop, totally, skop, whatever, skop."

Teen 2: "We were talking about sht. What's your problem?"

Teen 3: "Why do you always look like you're drunk?"

Teen 1: "Seriously. You're always wasted looking."

- Skokie Swift

-- Submitted by Teen Hater

You just couldn't take them out to eat

Leo: "If I went to NYU, I'd be hella tight with the Olsen Twins. I'd be like 'Hey, what's up?' and they'd be like, 'Hey Leo,' 'Hey Leo.'"

- Walking down State Street

-- Submitted by Maria

I'm sure people have found ways

Dude: "Fag."

Buddy: "Dick."

Dude: "Asshat."

Buddy: "Turd burglar."

Dude: "Bloody cock."

Buddy: "You win. There's no way to beat a bloody cock."

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Aaron

Safety conscious

(Man steps to the edge of the platform, muttering to himself. Another man walks in front of him on the colored section of the platform, close to the edge.)

Odd Fellow: "What the hell are you doing? You want to die or something buddy? I'll make it happen! I'll push you! I swear! And then the train comes and SPLAT! you go. I'm gonna push you next time, dare me!"

- Purple Line Platform

-- Submitted by Kratz

No WONDER I'm so peppy in the morning

Conductor: "Everyone get up! Final stop! (bangs door with wrench) WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP!"

(several groans)

Conductor: "Eating bananas helps with being awake. A banana a day will keep the conductor at bay. GET OFF THE TRAIN!"

- Skoke Swift Platform

-- Submitted by Arturo

Great. Now I have to figure out whether they're my fantasy or they're lying

Girl #1: (franticly, to her friend) "Hold my hand."

Girl #2: "Uh...okay."

Girl #1: "Look at me like we're in love. Give me a kiss on the cheek or something."

Girl #2: (kisses cheek) "Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

Girl #1: "There's a guy that's following me, and I think he wants to ask me out, so I'm pretending to be a lesbian. You're my girlfriend for the next 20 minutes."

- Outside Roosevelt University

-- Submitted by B.T.

Cost over comfort

Employee #1: "Where are Randy and Jake?"

Employee #2: "They were terminated last week."

Employee #1: "Why? What happened? I thought they were doing well."

Employee #2: "Management told them they just didn't have a need for them anymore. Not enough for them to do."

Employee #1: "They were security guards. Isn't there crime going on in the building? You figure that would be something they could do."

- 333 S. Wabash

-- Submitted by D.B.

You wonder how some people have jobs

(Group of businessman going up the elevator)

Suit #1: "We need those reports by Tuesday, Tom. I don't think we're going to be able to extend the deadline."

Suit #2: "That shouldn't be a problem, I'll just have to stay a li..."

Suit #3: (screaming) "CABBAGE! GOOEY, STICKY CABBAGE!"

- Chase Building

-- Submitted by Clark Kent

Religion Shmeligion

Catholic guy: "Aren't you going to eat some pizza?"

Jewish Guy: "No, it's Passover, we can only eat certain foods, but not pizza."

CG: "You're jewish?"

JG: "Yes, and I've told you this like a thousand times before."

CG: "Aren't Jews the ones that dress up like Ninjas and pray?"

JG: "No, I think you're thinking of Muslims, but they're not really Ninjas..."

CG: (interupting) "Aren't all Jews Muslims?"

JG: "Um...you couldn't be more wrong."

CG: "But tell me this. Jews and Muslims: they're all still Christians, right?"

JG: "I don't even know how to answer that."

- South Side

-- Submitted by Mike Routier

At least she knows she's a muffin top

Friend: "Those are really cute jeans!"

Refreshingly Honest Girl: "Yeah, they are. The only problem is my stomach falls out when i bend over."

Friend: "Because they're low rise?"

Refreshingly Honest Girl: "No, because I'm fat."

- Old Navy

-- Submitted by Maria

But can he keep a beat?

Moody Bible Student 1: "That song rocks!"

Moody Bible Student 2: "Not as much as Jesus."

Moody Bible Student 1: "No, Jesus rocks."

Moody Bible Student 2. "He so rocks!"

- Old Town Cold Stone Creamery

-- Submitted by Steve Rose

These could be the best "fests" ever

Insightful girl #1: "So we figured out what we're going to call the opposite of a 'sausage fest' - a 'peach fest'!"

Insightful girl #2: "Shouldn't it be a 'taco fest?' It makes more sense. You know, tacos? Spicy?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Lisa

I guess things don't get much worse

College guy: "I feel sorry for people with peanut allergies, because a life without peanut products is a life I wouldn't care to live."

- DePaul Cafeteria

-- Submitted by Ciana