Best competition ever.

Girl #1: "In college, I was a huge body builder. I put on muscle mass like crazy."

Girl #2: "Bullshit. There's no way you were a body builder."

Girl #1: "Seriously. I would win competitions at sororities and stuff for body building. I was so buff it was crazy."

Girl #2: "Yeah. Sorority body building competitions must have been pretty grueling. Who can drink the most beer and suck the most cock in a night. And then do a pushup."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Nosey

Classy

Girl #1: "Her boobs are just too big. It looks like she's going to fall over."

Girl #2: "She's a whore."

Random Guy: "Don't worry ladies. I'll catch her. With my face."

- Pink Line Platform

-- Submitted by Gail

Cubs fans: They sure are loveable.

Cubs Fan #1: "It's too damn cold."

Astros Fan: "Doesn't matter. The Cubs lose in any weather."

Cubs Fan #1: "Oh yeah, because the Astros are a bastion of victory."

Astros Fan: "At least we've made it to the Series. The Cubs couldn't find the Series if they were given a map."

Cubs Fan #2: "Whatever, dude. We don't need a map to get to the Series. We just need a few wins and some luck."

Cubs Fan #1: "And Mapquest gives crappy directions anyway."

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by This year!

Some college kids do that on purpose.

Sox Fan #1: "97 wins."

Sox Fan #2: "No chance. They'll be lucky to win 85."

Sox Fan#1: "You take that back or I'm shoving a beer up your nose."

- U.S. Cellular Field

-- Submitted by Ro

If she made 1 dollar per job.....

Guy: "I just don't think we can hire her."

Girl: "But she's a great candidate!"

Guy: "She's had a million jobs in the past three years. It's expensive to get someone on payroll. I don't want to waste the money."

Girl: "So you'd rather have someone who's stagnant and stale than someone who is a go getter and craving advancement?"

Guy: "So you want me to get rid of you?"

- Oakbrook Physicians Office

-- Submitted by Sally

Easy. Check if the last name ends in "s" or "berg?"

Guy: "They look eerily similar. Greek's have the nose, complexion, and features of Jews. I think we should devise a method to differentiate them."

Girl: "Don't you have anything better to do with your time?"

Guy: "This could save the world a lot of trouble. Who runs the banks versus who wrestles naked is a hot debate among people."

Girl: "Among who? You and your idiot friends?"

Guy: "They aren't idiots."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Even the comics are depressing.

Guy: "How can you read that everyday? I just refuse to read the newspaper. I'm tired of all the depressing crap that goes on. Why can't they report on sunshine and happiness?"

Girl: "Because then it would be called the whocarespaper."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Fresh

Yes. There are.

Girl #1: "I've broken so many hearts lately."

Girl #2: "There must be a lot of desperate guys out there."

- Metra Southwest

-- Submitted by 10withamop

You could always just ask.

Girl: "Just don't worry. It's all going to go according to plan."

Guy: "I'm not worried. I just think you're stupid."

Girl: "Go in, punch him in the nuts, grab my shirt, and run."

Guy: "Great. Don't worry about compounding the problems you already have. Just go straight for the jimmy shot and let nature take it's course."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Denise

The birds and the bees. And the idiots.

Guy #1: "So we're ready to have kids. She went off the pill three months ago and we're going to get pregnant this week."

Guy #2: "It doesn't exactly work that way."

Guy #1: "What do you mean? She's fertile, she's off the pill, my ding works. What's the problem?"

Guy #2: "It's all about the right timing. She has to be ovulating. The sperm has to get to the egg. Blah, blah, blah. It's not like the first time you try, it happens."

Guy #1: "What?! I finish EVERY TIME, dude. I figure it'll take two, three days tops."

- Quizno's, 333 S. State

-- Submitted by Carmichael

You can fool all of the people some of the time...

Guy #1: "Let's go grab a burger."

Guy #2: "No."

Guy #1: "Come on! I'm starving."

Guy #2: "No. I'm not going to a restaurant during passover. How about we try to follow a little Jewish law?"

Guy #1: "You don't even go to services. Why would you follow customs?"

Guy #2: "So if you go to services but don't follow them, what the hell is the point?"

Guy #1: "People leave you alone because they THINK you're Jewish."

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Lacey

Tangents, anyone?

Girl: "These seats are harder than bricks. Do they purposely make these uncomfortable so people won't ride the bus? It's like a damn government conspiracy. STOP STEALING MY TAX MONEY!"

- 147 bus

-- Submitted by Rider

No, but my third hand is always snapping bras.

Girl: "It's just been hellacious all week."

Guy: "I'm sure it'll get better. It's just a lull."

Girl: "You ever get that feeling where one eye is looking right, one eye is looking up, and the other eye is looking inside? That's exactly what's going on right now."

- Boeing Building

-- Submitted by Jeanette

His cell phone belongs up his nose.

Guy: (on cell) "Jimmy? JIMMY! Hey, are you there? Yeah. Can you call me back in 5 minutes? No, I called so you can call me back. Cuz I want to talk to you in 5 minutes. Because I want YOU to call ME in 5 minutes. No, I'm not trying to impress anyone. I just want to talk in 5 minutes. No. You call me. Fine. Asshole. I'll call you in 10 minutes."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Lara

The Cubs were bad...

Cubs Fan #1: "I'm thinking I'm going to buy the Cubs now."

Cubs Fan #2: "Yeah, okay. You can have them after the stink bomb Zambrano just threw."

Cubs Fan #1: "No. See. That's a good thing. He won't get that extension now because the Cubs are going to have new ownership."

Cubs Fan #2: "So what? How are you going to get 700 million dollars?"

Cubs Fan #1: "That's where I win. If they keep playing as shitty as they did today, then I Won't need $700 million. I can probably talk them down to like, $600 million or so. Piece of cake!"

- Champp's Sports Bar and Grill

-- Submitted by Clyde

But the Sox were worse.

Sox Fan #1: "What the crap? 9-2? Is this the bottom of the ninth? I thought it started at 1:05?"

Sox Fan #2: "It did. Jose Contreras couldn't get out a batter if they paid him. Oh. Wait. They do pay him. I guess his being a 90 year old pitcher is finally catching up to him."

Sox Fan #1: "9 to freaking 2? In the freaking top of the 2nd? This should count for 20 losses or something. This is terrible. Ten dollars says they go to the stands for pitchers by the eighth inning."

- U.S. Cellular Field

-- Submitted by Go Sox!

Oy.

Jewish Guy: "It's going to be a smörgåsbord of gefilte fish, matzah, and wine. I think the holiday comes on the second day because every Jew who has a real seder feels like they're going to explode from the inside out. And then they'd have to eat more matzah."

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Reed

Lofty goals.

Fat Guy: "I want to run a marathon."

Friend: "I don't think you're ready for a marathon yet."

Fat Guy: "I figure new shoes, new running clothes, and determination will get it done. I have been working out."

Friend: "It's been three weeks. Why don't you worry about walking without wheezing and then we'll run a 50 yard dash together. We'll see if we can break the 4 minute barrier."

- Lifetime Fitness, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Kyle

Sit down you wandering Jews.

Woman: "Are you ready for passover?"

Man: "Yup. Toilet is clean and ready."

Woman: "Seriously. Nothing like completely changing your diet and shocking your system to celebrate exodus out of Egypt."

- Metra Milwaukee District North Line

-- Submitted by Moyshe

You're now headed to the pants store.

Girl #1: "OK, where are we headed again?"

Girl #2: "I dunno. Hey, how did my butt get so wet?"

- Kafein

-- Submitted by Apple Pie