Monday, July 27, 2009

Better than booing

Guy: (on cell) "I'm tired of you yelling 'surprise' every time we have sex, is all."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by ha ha ha

How many plane trips needed?

Guy #1: "I need help moving."

Guy #2: "When and where bro?"

Guy #1: "Tomorrow and to France."

Guy #2: "I don't know if I can carry a couch that far."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Ed

Mom sounds terrific

Guy: (on cell) " My dad is awesome and supportive and loves my wife and the kids to death. My mom is a soul sucking banshee who wants things her way all the time. I mean I love my parents but it's just confusing, you know?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Pedro

Friday, July 24, 2009

Attention: GROSS!

Strange Guy: "I'm going to pee my pants people. If the train doesn't stop at my stop soon, there will be a puddle, and it will NOT smell good. Asparagus, people. ASPARAGUS!"

- Purple line

-- Submitted by Trey

A what? Pseudo-douchebag.

Girl: "...and it's so frustrating. Why won't anyone listen to me?"

Guy: "Because life is a pathetic metaphor for death. It's so cliche."

Girl: "For real."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Rick

Does she like crappy food too?

Girl: "I wish I was Avril Lavigne right now!"

- McDonald's downtown

-- Submitted by Ghost

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Sounds like a well thought out plan.

Guy #1: "I'm thinking of starting a company with an innovative idea. Leading society into the future."

Guy #2: "What's the plan?"

Guy #1: "For me to think of the idea, and then lead society into the future. I pretty much laid it out for you already."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Whit

Friends love boosting you up!

Guy #1: "I don't know if she likes you."

Guy #2: "We're friends, though. I'm pretty sure she likes me unless it's a pity date."

Guy #1: "Unless or assuredly because?"

- DePaul

-- Submitted by GiGi

She'd need rope

Girl: "I want to buy shoes, but I don't have enough money."

Guy: "You can do amazing things with old tires."

- Ashland

-- Submitted by The Colonel

Monday, July 20, 2009

How long does that go in the oven?

Guy: "What do you want for dinner?"

Girl: "A new family and a vacation."

- Metra Milwaukee District North

-- Submitted by Taylor

You say potato, I say disgusting.

Girl: "The mail never comes in the morning anymore."

Guy: "Mail carrier switch?"

Girl: "Yeah. The new guy looks like he sits in the car and watches little girls or something. Very creepy."

Guy: "How do you get that vibe?"

Girl: "He always delivers the mail with his shirt unbuttoned and untucked. Like he was in a rush to get out of the car."

Guy: "Maybe he's from Alaska and 70 degree whether is scorching for him?"

Girl: "Maybe he's jerking off and forgets to tuck his shirt back in?"

- Golf Mill Shopping Mall

-- Submitted by Newman

Someone's a great dad.

Guy: "But she just learned how to talk and all she does is say my name over and over and over again. The girl will not shut up. At least get to the point or something, you know? Do you want crackers? Do you want milk? ANYTHING. Just stop repeating my name a million times! It drives me insane!"

- State of Illinois Building

-- Submitted by Clover

Friday, July 17, 2009

That guy is smooth.

Guy: "All you can do is give an honest answer."

Girl: "But if they ask what my goals are, I can't say, 'To marry into a rich family so I won't have to work at a second rate company like this one.'"

Guy: "You need to spin that into a more productive statement that makes it sound work related. Something like, 'I'd like to join an organization that is not only established, but successful enough to provide for all of its employees.'"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Tanya

If it's Sam Zell, he won't care.

Woman: "Is killing a customer and then posting them up as a warning grounds for being fired?"

Man: "Probably. But you'd have to check with the owner."

- North Side Restaurant

-- Submitted by Katja

Someone really needs tickets.

Guy: (on cell) "I really need some tickets for the Cubs game, but I need to pay under face value. Right. It depends how rough you'd be."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Hound

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Your guess is as good as anybody's.

Guy: "When is it time to go back home?"

Girl: "We usually leave around 7:30."

Guy: "You said there'd be food, here."

Girl: "There's fruit over there."

Guy: "Fruit? What the hell am I going to do with that?"

- North Shore Book Club

-- Submitted by Avid Reader

Drones, yes. Robots, not yet.

Guy #1: "I want to design video games."

Guy #2: "I think you need to go to school for that."

Guy #1: "No way. There has to be robots around that do the actual work. I just want to tell them what kind of shit to shoot."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Relay

Business basics.

Girl: (on cell) "If the school wants to make more money, they should just build a strip club on site. That way, all the girls paying their way through college can stay on campus!"


-- Submitted by Colleen

Monday, July 13, 2009


Dumb Girl: "We need to find out who makes Mazda."

- Naperville Shell Station

-- Submitted by HondaDriverV6

Funny because it's true!

(3 kids see a window washer)

Kid #1: "Oh, wow! I could never do that."

Kid #2: "I thought they had robots to do that now."

Kid #3: "Well, that's the job you get if you don't go to college."

- Corner of Madison & Franklin

-- Submitted by Koz

Someon's excited

Man: "23! 23! It's my birthday! Let's wake this block UP!"

- 6:30 a.m., residential section of Crystal St.

-- Submitted by Paul

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Until you blue-screened.

Guy: "If you were a Mac, and I was a PC, I would have beaten the shit out of you right now."

- Chicago State University

-- Submitted by Leela


Guy #1: "Let's go postal."

Guy #2: "That's so 1990's. We should make up something new."

Guy #1: "Well, we can't go all email on their asses. That just sounds stupid."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Stupefied

It's not exactly a compliment.

Girl #1: "...she's such a jap!"

Girl #2: "Asian or Hebrew?"

Girl #1: "Can she be both? But not like, meanly?"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Alfalfa

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

He's not a King, he's a Pink Lady

Thug: "They think I'm a king cause of my mustache. It grows in thin so it makes me look like a king, even when I wear pink."

- #22 Clark bus

-- Submitted by PMA

Another reason to weep for the future. A lot.

Girl: "I mean, I haven't thought in, like, four months."

- Truman College

-- Submitted by Cami

World's biggest bar.

Girl #1: (In Reference to Kosuke Fukudome) "You should yell at him in Chinese!"

Girl #2: "Tell him 'Konichiwa!'"

Girl #3: "No. He wouldn't understand that. That's Asian"

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by jrc

Thursday, July 02, 2009

They'll figure out a way to make ice cream.

Guy: "...and I'm just tired of watching Iron Chef."

Girl: "What's the problem?"

Guy: "The ingredients are getting boring. I'm waiting for him to life the freaking lid and say, 'Today's ingredients: GLASS SHARDS!"

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Ute

Poor Jake.

Girl #1: "Are we going to Jake's barbecue or Laney's?"

Girl #2: "It all depends on the amount of meat we'll be having."

Girl #1: "I can almost guarantee there will be more at Laney's."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Quest

And she's only 5.

Guy: (on cell) "No, doc. It's gotten to the point that when I ask her if she wants to go to school, she asks me if I want to go to hell."

- Randolph/Michigan office

-- Submitted by Stunned