Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Shaping young minds

Student: "When I started painting class, I knew nothing about painting. The professor was just like, 'Aaaaaand... paint.'"

- Michigan Avenue

-- Submitted by Matt

It'd get MAD media coverage

Girl: "Why can't you just tell them you refuse to get laid off?"

Guy: "It doesn't work that way."

Girl: "Well. Tell them that you're going to organize a sit in."

Guy: "Ok. I'll get all four of us to sit in against the other 3 employees that are left. It'll be a showdown for the ages. Great idea."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Collins

Rough decision.

Guy: (on cell) "How on earth do you confuse lavendar with maroon? How do you do that? Well, as I see it your two options are going to the store or going to hell. Your choice."

- Merchandise Mart

-- Submitted by Shoppey

Friday, March 27, 2009

Get this girl rubber pants!

Woman: "I peed the bed once, but it was an air mattress. So that made it way worse"

- Southport Lanes

-- Submitted by Amanda

That can be arranged.

Guy #1: "Spring break in T minus 5. Hell yeah!"

Guy #2: "Who cares? We aren't going anywhere and we have to work."

Guy #1: "But just IMAGINE we were staring at chicks and getting laid. Makes spring break all that much better."

Guy #2: "Yeah. Because picturing Amy at the front desk naked definitely makes me want to party. I'd rather see the Bears O-line naked."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Fransisco

He'd NEVER leave me alone.

Man: "I'll leave you alone right up until the point you start doin the kickin' chicken."

- Roosevelt and Halsted

-- Submitted by Sh

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Yes. Fish dissolve in water.

Guy: (on cell) "He thinks the tuna busted the dishwasher? But it's a fish? Wouldn't it just dissolve in the water? But it's a fish for crying out loud! How does that break a water based device?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Rick B.

It's no good on its own, pal.

Woman: "I'm absolutely tired of my vagina."

Man: "Can I borrow it for a while?"

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Teeny


Guy: (on cell) "I think tonight I'm going to be potty training my wife again."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Guy

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Because HR departments have become jokes.

Guy #1: "How's the job hunt going?"

Guy #2: "Fine, I guess. The way I'm figuring it, it's not really a rejection if they never contact you. You're just on hold. Forever."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by RR

Me thinks that something will be ruined.

Guy: (on cell) "If you ruin it, it will ruin the entire surprise. Then the event will be ruined which will ruin my day, thus ruining everything. Don't ruin that."

- Metra Union Pacific West

-- Submitted by Beth

Nothing like some good smarm

Woman: "He was all flirty and I thought he was a little bit smarmy. But not BAD swarmy. Not, like, lawyer smarmy."

- Damen and Wabansia

-- Submitted by Tabitha

Friday, March 20, 2009

Pent up issues?

Girl: "Mommy, I went potty!"

Mom: "Wow! Good job! Grandma's going to be SO proud of you!"

Girl: "Did you go potty, too?"

Mom: "Yes, but grandma's never proud of me."

- Lincoln Park Zoo bathroom

-- Submitted by Spinner


Guy #1: "My brother wants to build a go-kart."

Guy #2: "Oh yeah? For what?"

Guy #1: "I think he's going to get into a race back home."

Guy #2: "Oh gee wilikers! Are Alfalfa and Spanky going to be there? Hot DOG!"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Lacey

Someone is generalizing.

Girl: (on cell) "Well if you were a Geico caveman, the first thing we'd do is shave your back and face. But of course, if you were a caveman, odds are I wouldn't be dating you. I like my men more modern and less smelly."

- Michigan and Roosevelt Bus stop

-- Submitted by Colin

Thursday, March 19, 2009

For her it is.

Guy #1: "We should find out what she's getting him for a groom's gift and then get him two of the same thing."

Guy #2: "Right. But is it considered a gift when you actual take someone's manhood?"

- Law Office, Downtown

-- Submitted by Jerry

Playstation Portables are watching....

Guy: "He could read my mind like he had PSP or something."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Qwerty

The man loves his balls.

Girl: (on cell) "I just can't take any more stupid sports. It's twenty four seven with you! If ESPN is on when I get home, I'm leaving. No you shouldn't pack my things, you jerk!"

- Water Tower Place

-- Submitted by Krousa

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Tea or otherwise!

Girl: "I'm serious. There's not a spot of anything on anything that shouldn't have a spot of anything on it."


-- Submitted by SH

Sounds appetizing.

Man: "What're we doing for dinner?"

Woman: "I figure with the kids out, we'll just throw the left-overs from the past few days together."

Man: "So that'd be..."

Woman: "A meatsagnachickensaladloaf."

- Barnes and Noble, Skokie

-- Submitted by Pete

Try it and send me what your boss says!

Girl #1: "I think my foot hurts."

Girl #2: "Well, does it hurt or doesn't it?"

Girl #1: "I can't tell. Every time I step it kinda feels like something is there kinda, but every time I lift it off the ground, that something is kinda gone."

Girl #2: "That's not going to get you out of work."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Tracker

Monday, March 16, 2009

Someone talk to the Amstel people!

Girl #1: "They're changing the formula of Old Style? What the fuck? What are they going to change?"

Girl #2: "It's going to be the same, only less krauesened than previously. Don't worry--it'll still suck.

Girl #1: "Well, that's a relief."

-Red Line

-- Submitted by Spinner

Opposite sexed poisons.

Guy: (on cell) "You NEVER mix Right Guard with Secret! Especially one arm each. That's like mixing poisons!"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Nate

Nothing unusual in this city.

Girl: "I should call him to tell him it's over. Hopefully the public obscenities would scare the tourists away."

- Giant phone on Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Damon B.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Well, the people ARE stupid...

Woman: "Every show has a talking animal in it. Talking pigs, talking sheep, talking cows, talking dogs, talking anything but people. And whenever the people are on, they're always stupid or bumbling dopes who need to get saved by the ever so clever animal. You'd think PETA would be less involved in kid shows."

- North Side

-- Submitted by Leesee

Just like grandma used to make.

Guy: (on cell) "My kids are getting chocolate chip cookies as a present from grandma tonite. Right, but the only problem is that the cookies are so hard, they're either going to break their teeth or break the floor when they drop them. I don't know, mortar?"

- Blue line

-- Submitted by Endo

Somewhere in that small vicinity.

Guy: "Where's Montrose and Sheridan?"

Girl: "It's off of 94 and Lake Shore Drive."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Chris

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Yeah. Awesome. Except for Grandma.

Girl: "My great grandmother died. And we inherited all her jewelry. And that's like totally awesome.

-Forever 21

-- Submitted by Tim

What on EARTH is the problem?

Girl : (on cell) "...and you're going to go back into the bedroom, pull your pants down, and punch yourself in the nuts. Because it's the only thing that's going to solve it."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Sheila

It's Columbia. This is normal.

Girl: (in an elevator) "Wait. What floor is this? Am I on the right floor? Whoa, am I even in the right building?"

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Zachary

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Or just switch to the bluetooth.

Guy: (on cell) "Don't just stay on the phone and talk! Throw a watermelon back at him!"

- Metra Milwaukee District North

-- Submitted by Laney

Apparantly, a galaxy class starship can be run by the Love Boat guy.

Guy: "Do you like Star Trek?"

Girl: "Yes, I do."

Guy: "Which is you favorite series?"

Girl: "I like the Next Generation."

Guy: "Who is your favorite character?"

Girl: "I like that bald guy, Capt. Stubing."

- At the NEIU Campus

-- Submitted by Aaron

Keep it to myspace. No one checks that.

Guy: (on cell) "How do you keep your girlfriend from finding out that you keep cheating on her? Well you can stop Twittering every damn thing you do for starters, and that includes people you boink."

- Lincoln Park Zoo

-- Submitted by Kat

Friday, March 06, 2009

That's quite a policy

Girl: "What time are you coming over?"

Guy: "What time are your parents leaving?"

Girl: "Half an hour after they know you've left the house and I'm not impregnated."

- Glenview

-- Submitted by Ronnie T.

At least you got to make out, right?

Girl #1: "How was the date?"

Girl #2: "I'd rather make out with a rusty cheese grater."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Gee-off

Your penis and nose would hate you.

Guy #1: "...and to lose 50 billion dollars? I mean, what do you do with that cash?"

Guy #2: "Hookers and blow, man. Hookers and blow. It's ruined many a man."

- North Side

-- Submitted by Carly

Thursday, March 05, 2009

That's when they DON'T freak out when you try to kill them.

Guy: (on cell) "No! No, no, no. You can't kill them one by one. They run around freaked out and get blood everywhere when you do that! Oh, well why didn't you say it was for sport?"

- Grand and Wood

-- Submitted by Keith

Space occupied.

Girl: (on cell) "She's going to the hospital now? Oh my god! Make her wait til I get there! I'm gonna be all up in her vagina!"

- Schaumburg Metra Station

-- Submitted by Timbo

Taurus's need extra attention.

Girl: "Leo's need their ego's stroked to be successful. I consider myself a big time stroker."

- Northbrook

-- Submitted by Cleana

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

There just has to be another way...for her to shuck responsibility

Sales Associate: "Your balance on your credit card is over $1,000. Your available credit is...sorry. Zero."

Customer: "So, I CAN'T use it?"

Friend: "How can she put more money on it?"

Sales Associate: "By paying her bill."

- Victoria's Secret

-- Submitted by Maria Clara

Well, it is called public transit.

Rowdy El Passenger: "This shit is public as hell!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Giles

Call me. Immediately.

Girl #1: "...I'm tired of faking all the time."

Girl #2: "It's sad when you have to fake an orgasm while masturbating."

- Jackson Subway Station

-- Submitted by AK