Friday, February 27, 2009

Went to a party, yadda, yadda, yadda, someone crushed my balls.

Girl: "You going to Janey's on Saturday?"

Guy: "Nah. Last time I was there, I left with testicular torsion. I'm not risking that again."

- Highland Park

-- Submitted by Yowch!

It's their M.O.

Guy #1: "...and all I'm saying is that the Bears better get somebody in free agency."

Guy #2: "They'll get somebody. It's just a matter if that person is going to be a backup or a waste of money."

Guy #1: "Hopefully both."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Clark

That's not a number.

Girl: (on cell) "On a scale of 1 to 10, you're as sharp as a marble!"

- Metra Station, Glenview

-- Submitted by Ally

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

At least he has goals.

Bum: "I know times are tough, but I need help. The other guys can afford markers and cardboard whileI'm still only using a cup. Help me get ahead, folks. Help me beat the homeless rat race."

- Randolph and Clark

-- Submitted by Applet

I like her plan.

Girl: "My goal is to marry a 25 year old guy by the time I'm 45."

Guy: "And if it doesn't happen by 45?"

Girl: "I'll start 5 year increments. 50/30. 55/35. 60/40. And I'll buy huge cans."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Pico

Lawyer, right?

Guy (on cell) "It's also plausible that my clothes were burned without harming me physically. Right, but plausible and believable aren't the same."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Rayray

Monday, February 23, 2009

Hello, porn situation!

Woman: "I mean, I love him, but he's a weirdo. When we first moved in, our neighbor came over with chocolate chip cookies. He wasn't wearing any pants so he wrapped a blanket around himself and went to the door. I come home and find the woman next door standing in my house with cookies while my husband isn't wearing any pants. Talk about embarrassing."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Maria

He needs to calm hisself down

Guy: (yelling on cell) "'His-self' is not a fucking word, you piece of smarm!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Mizzy

Because women love the famished ones.

Male Hipster: "I weigh like eleven pounds more than you do and that's terrible because you weigh like 100."

- Ukranian Village

- Submitted by Sandy

Friday, February 20, 2009

And dogs smell worse.

Man: "I can't believe it is going to snow again."

Woman: "Well, that is better then rain."

Man: "Really? Why?"

Woman: "Well, with snow you get wet but with rain you get, like, really wet."

- Metra SW Service

-- Submitted by 10withamop

Of course of course not.

Girl: (on cell) "How is it his fault, Jen? You cheated on him, though. Right,but you were still engaged. So break it off and then sleep with him. Do you ever get the impression that most of your problems stem from your cowardice and stupidity? Of course not."

- Ukranian Village

-- Submitted by Roe

Flavor improvement?

Guy: "Running your fingers under the sink after you take a dump is NOT washing your hands. You might as well rub your junk and ass all over the food. Nasty bastard."

- Hooters, Downtown

-- Submitted by Noah

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I'll tell her.

Woman: (on cell) "Well, then, you kindly tell her that her hot little ass is no longer allowed at our house."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Wicka

At least her heart is in the right place.

Girl #1: "So I've decided what I want to do with my life."

Girl #2: "Yea?"

Girl #1: "I'm going to go back to school, get my Masters and become a Guidance Counselor."

Girl #2: "Cool. So you want to help people?"

Girl #1: "No way. My dad's a guidance counselor and he doesn't do anything at work."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Beth

Cooties: It's an epidemic

Guy: "This is not just affecting the state! If it starts affecting us nationally, it'll affect the entire United States!"

- Jackson & Jefferson

-- Submitted by mig

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Yeah. Because he'd fly to the Dominican without a "contribution."

Guy #1: "...and then they'll find out who the cousin is. Then he's in trouble."

Guy #2: "Not to sound too 'conspiracy theorist,' but do you think Blagojevich is involved? Think about it. 'Cousin.' 'A-Rod.' 'Rod Blagojevich.' Sounds a little to cozy for me."

Guy #1: "You stay up at night thinking about these things, don't you?"

- Chase Building

-- Submitted by Brad

What's a doctor trained for anyway? Right?

Woman: "We're just trying to cut and trim, trim and cut. Hell, if I can give my family free haircuts, minor surgeries couldn't be too bad."

- State of Illinois building

-- Submitted by Bloggo

There's gotta be one.

Guy: (on cell) "There is zero reason for your shirt to smell like racoon crap. Absolutely none."

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Stretch

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Should have used protection.

Guy #1: "My legs are killing me."

Guy #2: "It's AIDS."

Guy #1: "So how do you explain my back?"

Guy #2: "Cancer."

Guy #1: "Great. Cancer and AIDS! Unbelievable!"

Guy #2: "Yeah. Tumors can be real sluts."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Trixasaurus Rex

Sign me up for pilhardcorelates!

Guy: "...and she's still doing pilates, right?"

Girl: "Yeah, but I told her to stop wearing those shorty shorts. I might see things she doesn't want me seeing."

Guy: "Why the hell would you think that?! I'm calling her right now and telling her that she needs to wear those shorts and bring some liquor to pilates. I'm going to put the hardcore back in pilates training!"

Girl: "Yes. Because every pilates session is moments from becoming a lesbian orgy."

- West Loop

-- Submitted by Allison

Good question.

Girl: "I just got 'touche'd' putting myself down. How the hell does that work?"

- Uptown

-- Submitted by Lisate

Monday, February 16, 2009

Which girl is the liar.....

Woman #1: "Tess? Oh my word! It IS you! And you had the baby!"

Woman #2: "It's so great to see you! My baby girl is now 3 months old!"

Woman #1: "How's the weight loss going?"

Woman #2: "I'm at my pre-pregnancy weight now. Why?"

Woman #1: "Because you look super awesome, that's why!"

- LA Fitness, Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Dedom

Except for the ladies.

Dressing Room Attendant: "The men's sizes run small. They're European sizes."

Guy: "Europeans need to stop wearing their pants so fucking tight."

- H&M on State

-- Submitted by Crystal

Love and stupidity all rolled up into one.

Annoying Indie Kid: "I'll piss your name in the snow on Valentine's Day."

Girl: "Amanda has a lot of letters."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Stoj and Shea

Friday, February 13, 2009

But most people can hear.

Girl: "I wondered if he heard me telling Susie about how cute he was. Then I remembered: he was in a different room, and it's only vampires who can read minds."

- Loop office building

-- Submitted by another Twilight fan

Better than watching paint dry....or not.

Guy #1: "What do you want to do this weekend?"

Guy #2: "I'm going to watch a lot of fishing. Interested?"

Guy #1: "I would be if I wasn't busy slitting my wrists instead. But watching fishing is right after that on my 'to-do' list."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Glob Rob

Movies taught me that houses travel by tornado

Guy: "Gas bill? What you paying a gas bill for?"

Girl: "People pay gas bills."

Guy: "Where you driving your house to? Your house ain't driving nowhere, what you got a gas bill for?"

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by really?

Thursday, February 12, 2009

More people deserve this.

Girl: "So why did he get kicked out?"

Guy: "He was being a jackass; so they pulled the no jackass clause out of his contract."

Girl (sings): "Yay! No more jackass!"


-- Submitted by SH

Wonder how we got into this mess...

Girl: "Do youthink I should by a house?"

Guy: "You're a student with no income. How would you pull that off?"

Girl: "But mortgage rates are awesome right now!''

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Brobama

That's what she said, anybody?

Guy: "Next person to quote that stupid ass 'My New Haircut' video gets a new face cut with my fists. Why can't you enjoy something without trampling it to death?"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Clyde

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Who'd have suffered more?

Drunk: "If my next beer doesn't taste like a Miller Lite, I'm going to go ape shit."

Bartender: "You've been ordering Heineken's the entire night."

Drunk: "Why would you let me do that? They should take your bartendering paper and crap on it. We'd be even."

- McFaddens

-- Submitted by Terryn

Except for him.

Girl #1: "He's so cute."

Girl #2: "You would totally marry him. And have his kids."

Girl #1: "And he'd have no clue. It would be perfect."

- New Trier

-- Submitted by B.K.

Good man

Guy: "I never extend my right hand because it's my ass-scrubbin' hand. People deal."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Noah

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

You'd think one would keep the other busy.

Guy: (on cell) "Getting caught by your parents sucks. Getting caught by your kids sucks worse. Getting caught by your parents AND your kids within twenty minutes not only super sucks, but I'm not getting laid again for weeks!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Angelique

They prefer "mature."

Guy #1: "...and she got all pissed that I asked her age. Are women that insecure?"

Guy #2 "No. They're just all way too old."

- Rednofive

-- Submitted by Kirk


Tired stage manager: "I used to wish I could dance.... Now I wish you could!"

-Local Theatre rehearsal

-- Submitted by Mike

Monday, February 09, 2009

Music is vital.

Student: "We made this movie in the sandwich shop where my boyfriend works. There’s gonna be some music that comes in and out, ignore that. My boyfriend’s coworker threw a temper tantrum cause he said he couldn’t make sandwiches without music on."

- Web Video Class, Northwestern University

--Submittec by Arianna


Girl: "When's New Year's Eve?"

Guy: "December 30th."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Paige

Mutually Exclusive

Bum: "I may be an ugly man, but I'm a GOOD man!"

- Michigan and Washington

-- Submitted by Amanda

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Who isn't?

Guy #1: "How's your mom doing?"

Guy #2: "Fine. She's still trying to figure out an inexpensive way to get the car out of the pool, though."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Yippee

Step 13: Score.

Guy: (on cell) "Everyone's meeting fine-ass people in AA meetings these days."

- #11 Bus

-- Submitted by grahamisded

Good call

Guy: (on cell) "Fuck that. I'm not gonna use my college education to go to grad school. What the hell would I do with that?"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by T

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Women: Always fooling themselves.

Girl: (on cell) "That makes it sound so serious. I like to think of it as I'm so good that he came without me having to touch him."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Ava

Poop museum.

Woman #1: "Why can't you just go out with him?"

Woman #2: ''Because I like the arts and he likes taking the world's longest craps until I fall asleep. I haven't found a way to combine the two yet."

- East Bank Club

-- Submitted by Classy

A bit of a drawl.

Guy: (on cell) "She kept telling me she was hungry, but I couldn't make out what she wanted. I finally figured out that she was saying broccoli. No, it sounded like brachachachachaaaaaah. Like she was hocking a loog, but in word form."

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Erica

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

He's just staying classy.

Guy: (on cell) "I couldn't believe he has no hesitation on the 'f-word,' but he can't say shit. Fuckin' poo-head? Really?"

- Weathermark Tavern

-- Submitted by Doe

Please say Civil War.

Girl: (on cell) "I have a history quiz to study for and I need you to tell me if the Articles of the Confederation came before the Declaration of Independence. Wait, what war?"

- Loyola Library

-- Submitted by apeface


Train Engineer (Over loud speaker): "Just so you know, that wasn't smart what you did sir..."

- North and Clybourn Red Line Stop

-- Submitted The Girl W/ Kaleidoscope Eyes

Monday, February 02, 2009

Energy boost!

(Couple at snowcovered car)

Woman: "You can get it out if you put a little effort into it."

Man: "No way. Its covered! We won't be able to get it out!"

Woman: "Are you going to get a shovel?"

Man: "No. I'm going to get a fucking bag of candy!"

-Grace & Bell

-- Submitted byNorth Center Snoop

College girl. Really?

Guy: "...she's just so damn flighty."

Girl: "What is that supposed to mean."

Guy: "What? Flighty? It means you're always up and down. She can never keep plans solid."

Girl: "Oh. I thought she was a flight attendant or something."

- Loyola, Water Tower

-- Submitted by gigi

Usually, it's more.

Guy: (on cell) "So he got promoted? And I care why? Oh. Well, unless one of his perks is 'less asshole,' I don't give a damn."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Corey