Thursday, July 31, 2008

That vibe is your allergies.

Guy: "That chick gave off a weird vibe. Like she lives with a lot of cats."

- Oak Park

-- Submitted by LBT

It's one way of doing it.

Guy #1: "I need a frickin' job."

Guy #2: "Well where have you looked?"

Guy #1: "It's not so much about looking. It's about finding."

Guy #2: "You just play a lot of video games and hope for the best, don't you?"

- Starbuck's, Lakeview

-- Submitted by Nadia


Guy: "Does anyone smell that? It's like a drunk dude died. And then vomited. And then died again."

- Nick's Beer Garden

-- Submitted by Kly

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Yes. Now stop breaking our rules.

Blonde Tourist Girl: "Are you allowed to talk on the bus?"

Brunette Tourist Girl: "I don't think so."

Blonde Tourist Girl: "Oh...Do you think people know that we aren't from Chicago?"

- Clark Bus

-- Submitted by Jay

You can keep it.

Cool Guy: (Ice Ice Baby starts on the jukebox)"Oh NO! Who laid the vanilla? Who laid it? That's my shit! THATS MY SHIT!!"

- Mullens

-- Submitted by AJ

In size or in smoking, texting jerks?

Guy: "You think this is big? New York is like five times bigger than Chicago. And that's just Manhattan."

- Grand Stop, Red Line

-- Submitted by Revecca

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

With the right amount of money....

Teen Dude #1: "What do you want to do now?"

Teen Dude #2: "We should leave the beach, but NOT go home!"

Teen Dude #1: "Okay, then."

Teen Dude #2: "Let's go get a limo...and some hookers!"

Teen Dude #1: "Yeah. Because hookers love workin' it for 15 year olds."

- North Ave. Beach

-- Submitted by Spinner

Keep hoping.

Guy: "We're waiting for the train. It's either going to be the purple one or the brown one."

Kid: "I hope it's a red one!"

- Merchandise Mart

-- Submitted by Kate

You're a few months and a few religions off.

Girl: "We saw Jesus walking around downtown today. He was holding a cross. Had a beard. Everything."

Guy: "Oh yeah, I've seen that. But usually they do something like that around a religious holiday."

Girl: "Yeah, but what holiday is it? Ramadan?"

- Loop

-- Submitted by Apeface

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Would you prefer a whole cow?

Girl: "I'm hungry."

Guy: "Let's go get a burger."

Girl: "A burger? How is that going to help my hunger pains."

- 11th and Wabash

-- Submitted by Chris

I'm going to be in New York City until Sunday evening. No updates until then. If you're in Manhattan and want to hang, drop me a line. Don't forget to join the facebook group!


Girl #1: "Have you read this?" (Holds up The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedman)

Girl #2: "No. Have you?"

Girl #1: "Nope. We're a disgrace to our gender."

Girl #2: "Yep. We should turn in our vaginas."

- Book Cellar in Lincoln Square

-- Submitted by Spinner

50 bucks says it's not broken.

Guy #1: "I think I broke my arm, dude."

Guy #2: "Did you see a doctor?"

Guy #1: "Nah. I think I'll tough this one out."

- Burnham Skate Park

-- Submitted by LL

Monday, July 21, 2008

Someone had to pay for the shower.

Woman: "It's a long story, but it involves me in a shower with two other people and ends with me stealing a wallet with $500 in it. I'll tell you some other time."

- Maggiano's

-- Submitted by Poppy

Really? Cuz Gina Carano is ridiculous hot.

Man: (on cell) "Let's talk something serious. Let's talk something serious. Why you, like, strong? I don't like strong women."

- Morseland Parking Lot

-- Submitted by AC

Your wife is gonna be pissed.

Guy: "I hope I get laid by someone new tonite."

- South Side Bar

-- Submitted by Kathy

Friday, July 18, 2008

Soccer? Uh....yeah.....

Girl #1: "What is the ESPY? I've never heard of it before."

Guy: "It's an award show for athletes."

Girl #1: "Then why is David Beckham there?"

Girl #2: "Because he's married to Posh Spice."

- Prost, Lincoln Ave.

-- Submitted by Mandy D.

Eating at a free buffet?

Guy: "Unless they have a free buffet, nothing tops what I'm going to be doing tomorrow."

- South Loop FFC

-- Submitted by Dave


Older Guy: (on cell) "Having women around is important, but sometimes when they get older they start to lose it. You might want to watch out for that."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by James C.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Yes, Ma'am!

Woman: (on cell) "When I tell you to look at my boobs, you don't argue! It's not that hard a concept!"

- Little Italy

-- Submitted by Trav

Someone get a calculator.

Woman: "What's 65% of $100?"

- Macy's shoe department, State Street

-- Submitted by Incredulous Banker

Let's use our inside voices next time.

Guy: (on cell) "Oh. OH! You're SORRY. Take your sorry and shove it. You're a passive aggressive, cheating, deluded asshole. You care about yourself and think the whole world is against you. Everything you do is geared to sabotage yourself into a worse life. (pause) So what if my wife is hot? (pause) No, you can't, now go to hell."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Weeble

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Or she hates swimming with you.

Woman #1: "You want to go for a swim?"

Woman #2: "Not really."

Woman #1: "Why not?"

Woman #2: "Sharks. And Octopii."

Woman #1: "In the gym's pool?"

Woman #2: "Yes. They're everywhere."

- Chase

-- Submitted by Ricky

Seriously? Dunch?

Woman: "When do you guys want to do lunch?"

Man: "I don't know. Saturday. We may have to dinner."

Woman: "Dinner is a bit late. How about we do, uh, dunch?"

- Metra, Union Pacific North

-- Submitted by Zed

It's more a winged rat.

Mother: "Get away from that! It's not a bird; it's a pigeon!"

- Jackson and State

-- Submitted by J

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

If you can't hold your liquor, at least know what it is.

Female: "Hey! BARTENDER!"

(Bartender walks over)

Female: "What is Jack Daniels? Isn't it vodka?"

Bartender: "...WHAT?!"

Female: "Jack Daniels is brandy?"

Bartender: "Nope."

Male: "It's whiskey."

Female: "Oh. Thanks."

Male: "Some drunk you are!"

- Carol's Pub

-- Submitted by Spinner

Nice even coats.

Woman #1: "Have you thought about spray tanning?"

Woman #2: "Yeah, but isn't that harmful for the environment?"

Woman #1: "Probably."

Woman #2: "I'd rather they just use a brush or a roller or something."

- LA Fitness, West Loop

-- Submitted by Kelly

At least it was polite about stealing your cash.

Old Woman: (talking to parking garage paystation.) "Hello? You took my money and I don't have any change. Hello?"

Machine: "Thank you."

- Millenium Park Parking Garage

-- Submitted by Erin

Monday, July 14, 2008

You, Mr. Magellan, are a sinking ship.

Girl: "Yeah. I live in Roger's Park."

Guy: "Oh. Is that by Roscoe Village?"

Girl: "No, not really. I live on Lakewood Ave."

Guy: "Oh, yeah! Doesn't that intersect with something."

Girl: "Uhm. Yeah. It does."

- Sheffield and Armitage

-- Submitted by Apeface

Boonce. Boonce.

Guy: "So did you find your soda pops?"

Stoned Guy: "Yeahhhhh. Did you find your bundt cake?"

- Northerly Island

-- Submitted by Laura

Good comeback bro.

Guy: "So you think because you know Olympians, you're better than me? They probably aren't even gold medalists!"

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by Waddie

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Which creates quite a loop.

Girl #1: "He makes me uncomfortable."

Girl #2: "Great. That means you're going to sleep with him."

- Accenture

-- Submitted by Hector

Politicians do it all the time.

Girl: (on cell) "You should definitely wear a tie. Because you'll look like you know what you're doing. But you don't! So lie. How hard is that?"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Rhea

Isn't that all guys, really?

Guy #1: "Which one is Charlie?"

Guy #2: "The guy who's walking like he's a caveman."

Guy #1: "There's 50 dude's around here. How am I supposed to pick him out?"

Guy #2: "Because he's all caveman-like."

- Pompei restaurant, UIC

-- Submitted by Tran

Wednesday, July 09, 2008


Woman: "Hey! Jew Boo!"

Man: "Are you using that as a pet name or are you saying Jews are scary?"

Woman: "Uhm. Scary."

Man: "So you fear Jesus?"

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Giyna

I'm sure she'd be very happy with that.

Guy #1: "Well, would you marry her?"

Guy #2: "Temporarily."

- Michigan Ave

-- Submitted by Rider

Must be some connection.

Guy: (on cell) "Dude! I'm so glad you called. I was playing this game last night where these ants were pissing acid and I immediately thought of you!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jake

Tuesday, July 08, 2008


Guy: "What are you, five feet tall?"

Girl: "No way. Five two. I take all the inches I can get."

Guy: "I bet you do."

Girl: "Easy buddy. I've seen you. You're not impressive."

- Yellow Line

-- Submitted by Chair.

Another notch in love's popularity belt.

Woman: "I've been married to him for ten years, but we've been together for almost 15."

Man: "That's cool. Commitment is pretty hard."

Woman: "Especially when the guy sucks the youth out of you. That makes it super hard."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Candy

So she's normally abnormal. Kinda.

Guy: "You have issues."

Girl: "I know, right?"

Guy: "Not like bad ones. Just nutty ones."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Dizzy

Monday, July 07, 2008

So can choosers be beggars?

Girl #1: "...I just don't understand the saying 'beggars can't be choosers.'"

Girl #2: "Well. That means if you're begging, you're not in a position to choose what you get."

Girl #1: "Yeah. But if I'm begging you for a mirror and you give me a sink, I can choose something else, right?"

- Belmont Harbor bathrooms

-- Submitted by Theresa

Sign me up.

Girl #1: "...Competitive eating is TOO a sport!"

Girl #2: "No it isn't! How is it a sport!?"

Girl #1: "Because there's a time limit imposed, there's physicality, and you're competing against other people to be the best!"

Girl #2: "Physicality?! Pooping is physical. I'm going to start competitive pooping."

Girl #1: "How the fuck are you going to make that acompetitive?"

Girl #2: "Whoever poops the most in 5 minutes wins."

Girl #1: "Awesome."

- Lawrence Red Line Stop

-- Submitted by Spinner

You stay classy.

Guy: "I like to think of myself as classy trash."

- Montrose Brown Line Stop

-- Submitted by Iheardthat

Thursday, July 03, 2008

The good news: You're already at his place!

(Girl running to train)

Homeless Guy: "Hey. You know it's going to rain?"

Girl: "Yeah, I know."

Homeless Guy: "Best you get inside. Rain melts sugar."

- Mag Mile

-- Submitted by Sweet as Sugar

(Have a safe and happy 4th of July. Please, please, please: Don't drink and drive.)

Too many of those to the head.

Guy #1: "It's pitch black outside."

Guy #2: "How come it's never "pitch blue" outside?"

Guy #3: "Or pitch fastball."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Jay

You know your husband is gay when...

Girl: (on cell) "...and when I got there, he was shirtless, drunk, and had a pride t-shirt around his waist. I wanted to ask him what he was doing when he started kissing another guy. Hell yes I'm getting divorced!"

- Millenium Park

-- Submitted by Missy

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

I think you'd know if it was a bear.

Woman: "You have to go to the doctor!"

Man: "I'll go if you promise he won't look up my rear."

Woman: "I can't promise that."

Man: "Then we don't have a deal. I don't care if I have a bear living in there, I'm not going."

- Metra Milwaukee District North Line

-- Submitted by Train Rider

No one date him. Ever.

Guy #1: "...and the butterfly landed on me. I asked if I could take it home, but they said no. Something about it being endangered or something."

Guy #2: "That's when you tell them that it's either yours or nobodies and you smash it between your hands."

- Lincoln Park Zoo

-- Submitted by Red

Must have been the wrong color.

Guy: (After biker fell on his car) "You're coming with me! You're coming with me to the police station!"

Biker: "It's not like that LeBaron is getting you mad pussy, dude."

- Critical Mass

-- Submitted by Michi The Killer

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

That's copyrighted. Oh. She's crazy.

(Woman, after she sings her rendition of "Hello Dolly')

Woman: "There is no reason a bus should be re-routed because of a parade! I had to walk really far and I'm handicapped! I am protected by the constitution and it says handicapped people have rights! AMEN!"

Guy: "Do you know any 'Mamma Mia?'"

- Clark Bus after the Pride Parade

-- Submitted by Apeface

It's a daily occurence.

Guy #1: "There he is! There!!"

Guy #2: "Where? I don't see him!"

Girl: "He's there in the thong!"

Guy #2: "The pink thong or the blue one! There's too many thongs too work through! I can't keep up!"

- Pride Parade

-- Submitted by Lynn

What's the difference?

Guy: "There's gay and then there's totally gay. You're totally gay."

- Pride Parade

-- Submitted by Kleener